Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Dating Game - Psycho Edition

Gabriella Herkert, Catnapped and Doggone

Who is my favorite villain? Well, picking the perfect psychotic is a tricky thing. If I exclude all the deranged nut jobs I can run into at a family reunion, my short list of favorite crazies drops to three. Choosing between them requires some serious analysis so I resorted to the only technique I know to make the ideal match -- the dating game.

Gabi: Bachelor #1, I’m looking for a smart man with a plan. Is that you?

Bachelor #1: Absolutely. I once convinced four felons to get me close enough to the only man who could identify me so I could eliminate him. They thought it was a drug deal.

Gabi: Nice. Bachelor #2?

Bachelorette #2: Technically, it’s bachelorette. I stole an identity of a woman and passed myself off as an Oxford alum for a couple of years. I played so many moves ahead, I buried my own child in a place that would make the autopsy they did years later completely inconclusive.

Gabi: That is long-term planning. I think that every good date includes a food activity. Bachelor #3, if we go out, what’s on the menu?

Bachelor #3: Quisp and cognac.

Gabi: Bachelor #1, same question.

Bachelor #1: Java from Guatemala. It reminds me of when I was picking coffee beans there.

Gabi: Bachelorette #2, I’m interested in what you said about advanced education. I think you can tell a lot from someone by what they read. What’s your favorite book and why?

Bachelorette #2: Moby Dick. Its major theme is man’s obsession with his own potency. If you extrapolate that to real life, you can take over a man’s mind.

Gabi: What about you Bachelor #1? Is there a book that sums up your approach to the outside world?

Bachelor #1: Machiavelli had it right. Pick your prince and stay in the shadows. From there, rule the kingdom.

Gabi: I’m looking for someone who can be bad but manages to get away with it. Bachelor #3, have you ever been arrested?

Bachelor #3: Never. People with my name are not inconvenienced by the Man.

Gabi: Bachelor #1?

Bachelor #1: I’ve done some time but it was to establish my background for my coup d’ grace a couple of years later.

Gabi: I’m looking for a psychotic with a dark past. Someone that has a hint of tragic hero about him. How did you get to be the person you are Bachelorette #2?

Bachelorette #2: My boyfriend taught me to kill. I was his greatest work.

Gabi: Are you still close?

Bachelorette #2: He was murdered. It was very sad.

Gabi: Well, then, what about you Bachelor #3?

Bachelor #3: I didn’t even know her boyfriend. We were never close.

Gabi: [Laughs] I love a sense of humor in a crazy. I’m still having trouble deciding. You’re all smart, successful lunatics. Okay, one last question for all of you. If you had to choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Bachelor #1: Oblique.

Bachelorette #2: Adaptable.

Bachelor #3: Perfect.

Who could choose from such a group? Not me. I need them all in my life.

Bachelor #1, Kaiser Souze from the Usual Suspects is my favorite film villain. Bachelorette #2, AKA Nicole Wallace, the evil nemesis on Law and Order, Criminal Intent is the quintessential television psycho and Bachelor #3, the oh-so-perfect Windsor Horne Lockwood III, Harlan Coben’s fabulous side-kick in the Myron Bolitar series is my idea of the perfect print pathological. So many lunatics, so little time.



CJ Lyons said...

LOL! Great job, Gabi! I got #1 and #2 but was thinking #3 was a real life person (perhaps someone from the fine state of Massachusetts???)....totally blanked on Win, even though he's one of my fav psycho-sidekicks!

Kelli Stanley said...

Wow, this brought back memories of Jim Lang and that cool '60s Dating Game!! :)

Wonderful post, Gabi!! And great line-up of psycho contestants!! ;)


Shane Gericke said...

Win is a favorite of mine, glad to see he's yours, too, Gabi. He's psycho in a good way :-)

Shane Gericke said...

I also love the music from the Dating Game. It was so cheesy it was fun. Probably more than one psycho killer got his start on those tall chairs.

Gabi said...

Maybe I should visit Massachusetts. Sounds like my kind of place.

Gabi said...

If only I could get the music to work...and a home edition.

Gabi said...

We can share Win, Shane, although it sounds like CJ will need to borrow him. I can take Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend -- like that.

Shane Gericke said...

Me need Win, Gabi? Hah! I am strong like bull! Muscles like Ahnold! Grit like oatmeal! Hands of steel and legs of titanium! And ... and ...

Full of s--- :-)