Thursday, August 6, 2009

My Top Ten Criminal Habits

By Kelli

Tell us about a Criminal Habit ...

Call me crazy (many do)--but the criminal habit I'm most familiar with was Sally Field's on The Flying Nun.

(ba-da bing, ba-da boom).

OK, enough stalling. Are you talking to me? Are you talkin' to me? OK, you're talkin' to me. And you want a criminal habit? I'll give you one. In fact, I'll give you a list. How about a top ten?

#10. The old toothpaste tube squeeze in the middle.

I find it irresistible. Particularly when it's a new, fresh tube, with all that promise of extra-whitening power ...

#9. Singing in the shower.

Yes, I do this. Sometimes it's Dietrich, sometimes it's Judy Garland. It's always loud.

#8. I forget to clean out my pockets when I do the laundry.

Talk about criminal ... I've practically cornered the market on lint manufacturing.

#7. I won't reboil water for tea if the pot's been sitting there, getting tepid.

Now, in my defense, I've read that you're not supposed to. But I tend to be a little, well, obsessive about it. Go figure! ;)

#6. I fidget.

Always have. Always will. That's fidget, not Gidget.

#5. I question authority and get very, very impatient with bureaucracy ... and will often lose my temper because of it.

Wait ... is that a criminal habit or one woman's plea for a saner world?

#4. Social networking.

OK, I admit it. I like it. I spend time on it. It's marketing, yeah, that's what it is--marketing!

#3. Too much noir.

Dark, obsessive, boundary-busting characters who make all the wrong decisions on a rainy night in the crowded city make me feel happy. I keep asking my mom how many times she watched Double Indemnity when she was pregnant ...

#2. Ebay.

For those who understand, that says it all.

Aaaaaaand ....

My number one, top criminal habit is .... (drum roll, please)

#1. Checking Amazon numbers.

It's the writers' disease. We all do it. I'm probably doing it right now, thanks to tabs on Firefox. Anybody know of a 1-800 group to call? Or maybe some kind of Amazon patch that feeds us the data in increasingly smaller amounts?

So come on, CMs -- spill. I've given you ten, count 'em ten, criminal habits--share a little, and make me feel better! :)


Jen Forbus said...

Hmmm hmmm, couldn't decide on just one last night, huh? ;)

Well gosh, I thought I was a clean-cut sorta gal until I read this...I'm not guilty of the singing in the shower - I like the windows in my house too much...and I have no Amazon numbers to check, but otherwise I'm guilty of everything else! And fidgeting on a grand scale! I think it's somehow correlated to all the fidgeting going on in my brain...always all over the place thinking of crazy things.

So either the fashion police or the fidgeting police will be around to get me soon; I'm sure of it! ;)

Bill Cameron said...

I'm guilty of peeing in the shower.

Bobby Mangahas said...

Kelli --- I'm sure Dave will feature these on his next show.

Regarding #5: I think that is tru of almost anybody.

And in defense of #3: There is no such thing as TOO MUCH noir. (okay, maybe there is, but I certainly don't think so).

Without incriminating myself in a place that has a permanent record of everything, I'll just say that I share a few of your criminal habits.

Kelli Stanley said...

Jen, I'm so glad to hear you can relate to toothpaste, pocket-cleaning, ebay and the rest of it! :) Makes me feel MUCH better!!

A related criminal habit to Amazon checking (I should make a Wonder Woman joke right now) is seeing how many libraries have your book on WorldCat ... the numbers don't change as often, so it's not as OCD-tempting, though. ;)

The scary thing is that when I started to think about my criminal habits there were a lot to choose from! ;)

And thanks for the fun and inspiration on Twitter last night, sweetie--definitely helped with the post! :)


Kelli Stanley said...

Bill-Bill, you Dark Poodle-Man of the Apocalypse ...

Thanks for sharing. I think. ;)

I suspect there's a whole category of criminal habits related to peeing in showers and swimming pools ... a satisfying protest against authority! ;)


Kelli Stanley said...

Thank you, my dear RJ, for understanding and being supportive of our mutual criminal habits! ;)

I don't think there is such a thing as too much noir, but people do look at you oddly when watching it makes you so damn happy! ;)

And Bill, evil noir writer that he is, is never more happy than when he's plotting some horrible fate for his poor characters ...

We must have some sort of noir perversity gene somewhere ... yeah, that's the ticket! ;)


Shane Gericke said...

... and if Barbara Stanwyck peed in the shower while singing Over the Rainbow, Fred MacMurray would run away to squeeze his, uh, toothpaste tube while checking his Amazon numbers and ...

Great list, Kel!

Shane Gericke said...

RJ, you are so right--no such thing as too much noir.

Sophie Littlefield said...

Fidgeting is actually a sign of a superior mind. All those synapses have to go *somewhere*....and how can there be such a thing as too much noir??

Buzz Stephens said...

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Kelli Stanley said...

Gee, Shane, I'm looking at my tube of Colgate in a whole new way ...

Let's throw a cigar into that mix, why don't we? ;)


Kelli Stanley said...

Thanks, Soph--I can justify my fidgetry now! :)

And yes, one of the proudest moments of my life was when I received an early rejection for CITY OF DRAGONS because it was (ahem) "too noir." (!) ;)


Unknown said...

Oh man! I'm afraid to call my stuff noir. It probably won't be noir when I'm done anyway, just cranky :)

I'm astonished that you groggers are such a clean-cut bunch (in print, anyway!). Well, Hammett never wrote about that killing, I guess.

So I'm imagining REAL crimes for youse guys to have committed. But I'll never tell, I promise :)

Here's some of my real crimes:

lied on a lie detector test when I was very young, because I felt it was wrong (CA later agreed w/me). And I passed it, which has me scared to EVER take a lie detector test again, because if it says I'm telling the truth when I'm lying, it might do the reverse!

I break traffic laws whenever *I* feel it's safe. However, I do pay the fines on time ;)

I once told a bill collector that "Mysti moved to Mexico."

I've done worse, but not sure the statue of limitations has run out.

But my worst criminal habit is figuring out *how* to commit crimes, especially in a beat-the-system sort of way. I never do anything but write about them, but my inner criminal is alive and well and there's just no use denying it.

Like the Shat said on Star Trek, all I can do is promise not to kill anyone today. :)

thanks to all the groggers for some fun reading this week!

Kelli Stanley said...

Ah, Mysti ... a girl truly after my own heart and one that can really mess with a computer (and a lie detector)! :)

As a CM, you know we can't incriminate ourselves in a public forum ... but ask me about a certain scar I have next time we're out and about. Thereby hangs a tale ... ;)


Jeannie Holmes said...

After reading Shane's comment, I'm with you Kelli. Brushing my teeth will never be the same... ;)

My criminal activity? Um, obsessively checking email. Oh, and eBay...lurves eBay.

I would say too much caffeine but one can never have too much caffeine. Well, okay, may be you can. At least I don't hide the chocolate like some people...and you know of whom I speak. ;)

Shane Gericke said...

Cigars, Scotch, toothpaste ... quite a buffet we're brewing up for when next us CMs and FOCMs get together :-)

And Jeannie's right. One can never have too much caffeine. Thought there was a time as a young newsman I drank 14 cups of newsroom coffee a day. My stomach got so damn sour after awhile I finally had to switch to decaf. Sheesh. Now I do some regular, some decaf, and it all works.

Shane Gericke said...

I like Mysti's new genre ... cranky. Or maybe that's just the authors ...