Sunday, September 6, 2009

UFC - Crazy Character Division

Gabriella Herkert, Catnapped and Doggone

Who would I put in a cage match? What? I had to look up what a cage match was. I’ve got to get out more. Frankly, this question scares me a little. It definitely shows a dark side to the question askers when we actively imagine literary ask kicking until the death. These are the same people who walk up to me at conferences and introduce themselves. I love that. Don’t get me wrong. But now I’m wondering if they are placing bets that Sophie Littlefield could take me without breaking a sweat. She’s good. It’s probably easy money. Anyway, I delved into the phenomenon that is the cage match. For research, I watched a couple of claymation smackdowns between size zero “It” girls that my grandmother could put down. Thus armed…


Yeah, I know. That’s wresting but cut me a little slack, will ya?

In this corner, wearing stiletto heels, a push up bra and Jersey hair, is the one, the only, cookie-eating, Buick driving Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum. In our other corner, dressed to the nines in linen pants and a country club blazer, carrying a martini, is the only man who could claim to be a sleuth while not realizing a world war is going on, I give you P.G. Wodehouse's Bertie Wooster.

Now Bertie has the size, the reach, the silk tie and the awesome corner man in Jeeves. Let’s face it, if, heaven forbid, there’s a towel to be thrown in from this corner it will be snow white and monogrammed. Plus, Bertie’s team has the savvy. The bob and weave learned at debutante balls when you’re the only eligible bachelor of a certain age and income probably translates. And he can take a blow to the head. Many, without ending up any more, shall we say, challenged than before the match. He’s a real contender.

Then, there’s Stephanie. She may not have speed but she’ll be amped on birthday cake and who knows what kind of superpower that will give her. It’s not legal (I don’t think) but she’s also got the amazing ozone-stripping, taxidermy loving super hold hairspray. In a pinch, or a clinch, poor Bertie could go blind leaving him vulnerable to the hair pulling, eye scratching, genital kneeing that our Ms. Plum’s got in her repertoire. If none of that works, she can always stagger to her corner and tag in a teammate. Grandma Mazur in spandex and a cape. Full figured Lula in fishnets and a bustier.

Bertie’s dead. Dead, dead, dead.

Maybe I’ll get tickets with Morelli and Ranger and enjoy the show.



Jen Forbus said...

Gabi, you titled this one well. Hehehe, crazy character division is right! I'd like to see Stephanie Plum in too, but for different reasons *gasp* - Did I really say that? Oops! ;)

Sophie Littlefield said...

hey, I'm one of those people who came up to you at a conference and introduced yourself! Speaking of which, I'm thinking jersey hair might be my new look for Indy. and it would look *great* on you. what do you think?

Gabi said...


Maybe if Stephanie were distracted with a really good match, Ranger might have a few hours to kill? Yeah, it crossed my mind, too. Not that I'm rooting against her but, heck, Ranger.

Gabi said...


My hair isn't so Jersey as it is troll doll when allowed/encouraged to expand to its natural parameters. But it would be fun. The shoes, not so much.

Jen Forbus said...

Hey ya'll Jersey hair's not so bad...says someone with poker straight, baby fine hair that has absolutely NO natural body of its own...hehehehe!

Gabi said...

We'll use some of that high tech stuff that gives punk rockers spikes and you'll be blending with the rest of us. Of course, everyone knows Jersey hair is as much about attitude as circumference.

Jen Forbus said...

Attitude I can handle! God endowed me with plenty of that! :)

Sophie Littlefield said...

I think we should post pix of ourselves with giant 1990 hair. Actually, Gabi, don't you think that "big hair" should be a CM topic some week? (would love to see what the guys do with *that*!!! What do you think - suppose Shane was ever in a band...can just see him rocking to a Queen cover....)

Gabi said...


You're cracking me up. I can see us all. CJ with "resident" hair. Kelli using her hat to tamp hers down. Tim with the bed head reserved for parents with small, not-yet-sleeping through the night babies. I'm going to have trouble erasing the picture from my brain or the laugh from my heart. Thanks.