So many stars want to film my books! So much rides on my selection, perhaps the very future of Hollywood, Bollywood, and all the little woods! O, the humanity! O, the pressure to get this right ...
OK, I have it. Sandra Bullock. She was born to play police detective Emily Thompson in the televised version of my books. Yes, she's a movie star. But they show her movies on TV after the Hollywood runs. India and Russia and East Whackistan gaze upon her work on pirated TV satellite. So my choice works. Sandra already played a bathing beauty/FBI agent in "Miss Congeniality," so she has the cop stuff down cold. Plus, she can drive real fast thanks to her starring role in that bus movie with Keanu Reaves--ah, hell, what was the name? "Crash"? "Speed"? "Stop For the Flashing Red Lights When Children Are Present"? Whatever--she knows how to put pedal to medal when Emily demands it. Which you'll find out in my third book, when Emily flies down the interstate in the middle of the night in a hot-rodded Dodge Charger ...
Yessir, Sandra Bullock's gonna be just great. Wait till I tell her she gets shot to pieces and takes 2,000 volts in an electric chair and has knives pass through her tortured flesh.
But if Sandra's off having a baby and/or jetting around the world, as Hollywood glam do, or I scared her off with the tortured flesh stuff, my next choice is Laura Linney. I'm a huge Laura fan, particularly in her role as Sean Penn's wife in "Mystic River," the film version of Dennis Lehane's monumental work of the same name. (News flash: Sarah Weinman reported the other day that Dennis is writing a sequel to GONE, BABY, GONE the launch of his crime series starring Boston private eyes Patrick Kenzie and Angie Gennaro. Yay! I love those two and hoped that Dennis would relent and write another book with them.) Laura can play anything from femme fatale to girl next door to wife standing by her (gangster) man; she could step into the role of Emily Thompson with no problem whatsoever.
And those are my two picks. Surely ONE of them will say yes! I'm looking so forward to hanging out with them already at the world premier. Though since I'm merely the one who wrote the books that gave them the vehicle through which they became superstars, they'll probably mistake me for the coat check guy and hand over their wraps. Which is OK. I can hock the minks and make a fortune ...
SHANE-O-GRAMS: BOUCHERCON EDITION!
There probably are cheesier videos in history. But this is way at the top of Shane's Cheese Classix: Andy Williams singing "Music to Watch Girls By" in fabulous 1967. Look at those costumes! Look how square Andy is! A feast for all your senses.
So break out the Tab and the Screaming Yellow Zonkers. It's showtime!
AND FINALLY ...
For 92 years it was plain old Fort Dix. It's what the U.S. Army called its sprawling base in New Jersey that practically every soldier passed through on his (and later, her) way to an overseas posting. Fort. Dix. Two words. One syllable each. Plain. Simple. Nice. Easy to spell and remember. Language as it should be.
In the interest of saving money, Fort Dix is being merged with an Air Force base and a Navy installation--McGuire AFB and Lakehurst Naval Air Engineering, respectively--to make the military's first three-branch base. So what do our government geniuses decide to call it? Fort Bush? Station Obama?
"Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst."
That torturous piece of crap would never have gotten past my editor.
Government needs one, badly.