Friday, June 25, 2010

Some Really Cool Cats at BP . . .


Hi, it's Friday correspondent Shane Gericke, reporting from a secret location I like to call Bravo Sierra. No, I'm not reading "My Pet Monkey" like the last guy reporting from secret location Bravo Sierra. I'm on vacation this week! Sippin' spirits, eating seafood, climbing volcanos, seeing wonders natural and manmade ... and gloriously unplugged from everything digital except a quadrophonic car stereo belting Ray Charles. Even my cell phone doesn't work here. Hope I don't fall down a mountain. No way to alert rescuers except to find a mountain goat and tie a note written in my own blood on its chinny-chin-chin . . .

But never mind all that. You've come to expect a certain low form of entertainment here at Fridays With Shane, and even though I'm a million miles from Internet plug-ins, it's my job to please you, so I wrote this dispatch and put it on the Bravo Sierra Uplink Network to beam directly to your computer at the designated hour. So without further ado, today's Criminal Minds topic is . . . ah, shit, it was just here . . . wait a minute, I know I have Kelli's note about topics, just move all these empty bottles and . . .

Who am I kidding? I barely know it's Friday, let alone the #@$^% official topic of the week. Too many martinis and lobsters. Well, bison steaks, as I'm in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest and they eat chest-beatin' stuff like that here. No matter. My blogmates will have already dispatched said topic with their usual vigor and grace.

Me, I'm going with the biggest news story of our time: the Gulf oil disaster. Particularly, the role of BP, which caused it, but now is trying to do the Right Thing to Save Our America--nee, Our World!--from the slashing talons of its liquid dreadnaught. (Note to self: Jesus, that's poetic. But can a dreadnaught have talons? Is the imagery fair to BP, whose name is just four letters from BS? Who cares? Effen BP charged me $3.85 a gallon to fill this effen quadrophonic SUV with their effen gas. So eff 'em. Waiter, another martini!)

Uh, where was I ...

Right. BP. They're feverishly exploring every option and sparing no expense to make things right, and I have the secret video that proves it. I am confident this video is real, not some homemade pablum by oil-hating hooligans. The execs speak Brit, which we all know says "class" and "honesty" like nothing else! I warn you, though: What the execs do on this video is even more gripping than . . . uh . . . when ABC lures those child molesters into that wired-up house and confronts them with blow-dried anchorages!

Watch and listen ...




All they have to do is lick their butts, and our world is safe again ...

And that's no Bravo Sierra.

Talk to you live next week.

REBECCAPALOOZA!

Our very own Rebecca Cantrell launches her new book (and promotional road show), this week. If A NIGHT OF LONG KNIVES is half as good as her debut, A TRACE OF SMOKE, we're in for some good readin' indeed. I'm really hoping her publisher sends her to Chicago so we can hang out and have drinks and she will allow me to praise her keenness and virtue and nimbleness with gerunds. Suckin' up to great writers is part of my personal plan for success ...

So, good luck on your national book tour, Rebecca!! And if I misremembered the names of your books, please let me know. I'm high on life (and a microbrewed stout called The Backhand of God) here in the wilds of Canada, and would hate to misrepresent your titles to my vast audience. Which as you know is my Mom, and my cousin Pat, and the checkout clerk at the Ace Hardware who's trying to sell me a thousand-dollar barbecue grill, and, um, all the rest.





2 comments:

Rebecca Cantrell said...

In spite of The Backhand of God, you nailed my titles! Thanks dude!

I am indeed going to Chicago, so please get me at the airport. :). And we are for the Wheaton Borders on July 19 @ 7 and The Next Chapter on July 20 @ 7 in beer-central: Milwaukee!

Try not to let all that clear mountain air go to your head or you'll never catch that goat.

See you in New York!

Shane Gericke said...

I'm not officially back from vacation yet, but had to stop by the Love Shack for a minute to say ...

Yay! Rebecca's coming to Chicago and letting me hang out with her! Ought to be a lot of fun. Just don't fly United, unless you like cancellations and reassignments to red-eye flights with screaming babies and coughin-hackin dudes.

We'll sign the official book-tourin' BFF oath in blood at ThrillerFest. If no blood is handy, The Backhand of God will do nicely.