Friday, July 30, 2010

A Dark and Stormy Jingle Bells Night . . .

By Shane

Hmmm ... write something clever that starts, "It was a dark and stormy night." What to do, what to do ...

Got it.

Santa, stage left.

It's eight hundred million degrees outside, you dummy! you might protest. Christmas ain't till December! Well, I couldn't agree more. But some of the shitwit retailers out there are advertising Christmas stuff already. Inglorious basterds, indeed.

But I'll use it as the excuse I need to present this original production of ... A Dark and Stormy Jingle Bells Night!

Before we begin, you'll need a refresher on the song, seeing as your brain is sodden with summer beer and humidity. So I thoughtfully posted this video to remind you how the song goes for real. Well, sorta for real ...



Yeah, baby.

But the fun isn't over--now YOU get to sing along with Mitch, using my special lyrics. As you might expect, this being Friday and me being Shane, it's about Santa getting his ass robbed by a coupla trailer-trashers. Here's an instrumental version of Jingle Bells, to provide your musical accompaniment. Lyrics are below. And don't worry that you're in the middle of a busy office--just sing, sing, sing. Bosses love happy employees!

And a-one, and a-two, and a ...



SHANE'S DARK AND STORMY JINGLE BELLS NIGHT

Twas a dark and stormy night,
When Grandpaw said to me,
It's time to find that Santa guy,
And knock him to his knees.

Ho-ho!

So I went and got my gun,
And Grandpaw took his knife,
And we jumped into the four-by-four,
And sped all through the night.

O! Stormy night, stormy night,
We're goin' huntin' now,
Cause Santa's got that bag of gifts,
And dang we want it now ...
O! Darkest night, darkest night,
We're bearing gun and knife,
Cause unless we rob that bearded gent,
We'll have nothing for The Wife.

So we drove down Raven Lane,
And turned at Nevermore,
We flew the hill at Sherlock Place,
And ran up Watson's Noir.

We slapped Jack Reacher's head,
And spat on Alex Cross,
Then aimed our truck at Rizzoli,
But she saw our lights and ducked.

O! Stormy night, stormy night,
We're goin' huntin' now,
Cause Santa's got that bag of gifts,
And dang we want it now ...
O! Darkest night, darkest night,
We're bearing gun and knife,
Cause unless we rob that bearded gent,
We'll have nothing for The Wife.

Then Grandpaw spotted red,
And bearded whitey stuff,
Said put your foot to the pedal, boy,
Or surely he'll take off.

So I gave the Ford the gas,
Ran up the sled's back ass,
Then Rudolph gave the evil eye,
And caused us to back off.

O! Stormy night, stormy night,
We're goin' huntin' now,
Cause Santa's got that bag of gifts,
And dang we want it now ...
O! Darkest night, darkest night,
We're bearing gun and knife,
Cause unless we rob that bearded gent,
We'll have nothing for The Wife.

We jumped out from our truck,
And waved the gun and knife,
Ol' Santa's eyes went shiny red,
As he cried, "Please spare my life!"

I said, Hey Santa man,
Just give us all your loot,
Pile it up in our SUV,
And then we'll let you scoot.

O! Stormy night, stormy night,
We're goin' huntin' now,
Cause Santa's got that bag of gifts,
And dang we want it now ...
O! Darkest night, darkest night,
We're bearing gun and knife,
Cause unless we rob that bearded gent,
We'll have nothing for The Wife.

We saw him nod his head,
We put down gun and knife,
And then we heard a snort so loud,
It felt like End of Life.

We turned back to our truck,
To see the reindeer play,
They used their hooves as hockey sticks,
And our gas tank as their prey.

O! Stormy night, stormy night,
We're goin' huntin' now,
Cause Santa's got that bag of gifts,
And dang we want it now ...
O! Darkest night, darkest night,
We're bearing gun and knife,
Cause unless we rob that bearded gent,
We'll have nothing for The Wife.

Then Santa kicked our butts,
And stuffed us in his sack,
Said the brand-new reindeer games,
Would feel like hacky-sack.

Ow-ow!

So Prancer took a shot,
Then Vixen beat us hot,
Then Donner, Blitzen, all the rest,
They beat us into snot.

And Rudolph made a cell,
From wind and snow and ice,
Said, Boys, you both get one phone call,
I'd make it real nice.

So Grandpaw called his wife,
And asked her real sweet,
To put up both our bails right now,
Or we'd surely be dead meat.

Then Santa set us free,
With a final mighty kick,
Said, Good thing that I'm gone tonight,
Or I'd beat you both with sticks.

O! Darkest night, stormy night,
We wanted Santa's stash,
But the jolly gent was way too smart,
And turned us into mash ...
O! Truck's burned up, money's gone,
What will we give the wife?
Hey, wait! Ol' Santa left a gift ...

A lump of coal! All right!


When Shane Gericke isn't channeling his demons into songs like this, he's out beating the bushes for TORN APART, his brand-new crime thriller from Kensington. Please visit him at www.shanegericke.com.

7 comments:

Joshua Corin said...

I think I have a new favorite carol. Clever, hilarious, and hummable!

Care to sing us a few bars at Bouchercon?

Mary said...

This one is a "Head Sticker." It'll be in my mind all day no matter what!

Don't know if I want to thank you for that. :{

Gabi said...

Shane,
I'm thinking "naughty" list. But then, I always do when it's you. Great seasonal post.

Shane Gericke said...

Josh, I might just do that given the correct persuasion in the form of Scotch! No Hindi accent, though. I'd sound like a barking seal and scare all the paying customers.

Mary, I can't get it out of my OWN head now. Damn me to hell for that :-)

Naughty indeed, Gabi! I managed to slime one of the world's most beloved songs. Can White Christmas ever feel safe?

Terry Stonecrop said...

Oh no! That first vid! Lol!

So clever, so twisted. Love it! Oh, but an unhappy ending.

Meredith Cole said...

Very funny, Shane!

This one might have to take the place of my formally favorite carol "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Shane Gericke said...

Terry, isn't that first video a scream? I want to find the song on iTunes just to have it on my playlist. Whoever concocted it was brilliant, stoned, or both.

Thanks, Meredith. To replace "Grandma" is indeed an honor, and I accept it with all the humbility (hey, a new word!) I'm known for around these parts :-)