Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Elizabeth Parker Arrested

Tracy Kiely

Well, my oh my. I can’t believe that you are asking this question, given the recent revelations about Elizabeth’s dark obsession (see October 6th’s Elizabeth Parker Caught In Vampire Sex Ring).

But you thought you smelled blood, didn’t you? (Get it? Smelled blood? Vampire Sex Ring? Whatever.) You thought that there was more to our Austen-quoting gal from Northern Virginia. You with your suspicious minds – pestering a nice girl like Elizabeth who has never done anything to hurt you.

Well, you would be right. Smarty pants.

Elizabeth Parker, mystery aficionado, was arrested last Thursday and charged with criminal trespass, nuisance, and unnecessary harassment of farm animals. These acts were conducted while the accused attempted to locate one Ms. Barbara Mertz (a.k.a. Barbara Michaels, a.k.a. Elizabeth Peters). But it really wasn’t all Elizabeth’s fault. Elizabeth’s great Aunt Winnie was the one who goaded her into the whole mess.

But that aside, the facts are as follows:

On Thursday last, Elizabeth and her aunt (one Winifred Reynolds) decided to make a day trip to Frederick Maryland to attend the Frederick Harvest Festival. Of course the fact that their favorite mystery writer, Ms. Mertz, lives in Frederick was just an added attraction. While they strolled thought the quaint streets, they hoped they might catch a glimpse of the famed creator of the Egyptologist sleuth Amelia Peabody. Knowing that Ms. Mertz lives in an old farmhouse in the area, they kept their eyes peeled for such an establishment. Aunt Winnie even suggested that they be on the lookout for decor featuring a pith helmet (perhaps in the form of a mailbox). They were unsuccessful in this causal attempt and thus felt the need to “step it up a bit.” (For the record, these words were uttered by Ms. Reynolds.) Next began an increasingly intense and at times wholly inappropriate interrogation of local business men and women into the whereabouts of the farmhouse. (Of particular note, major apologies are due to one Father Murphy of St. John The Evangelist Church who was lulled into thinking that he was hearing a confession by Ms. Reynolds only to be badgered as to the address of Mrs. Mertz. Witnesses claim that shouts of “It’s vital to my salvation!” could be heard from the confessional). Finding the stubborn loyalty of the locals to be “quite vexing,” Ms. Parker and Ms. Reynolds then took matters in their own hands and began an intensive search. Locals became alarmed when a woman described to police as “in her seventies with bright red hair and a vulgar mouth)” was witnessed scaling the fence into the farm of one Mr. J. Anderson. Mr. Anderson’s stud bull “Boco”– who was apparently out of sorts due to an earlier unsatisfactory performance – grew testy and gave chase.

The suspects panicked and threw various items at Boco (in particular, one large purse which was later found to contain the license of Elizabeth Parker). Authorities were called by neighbors concerned at the alarming shouts of distress, both human and bovine, coming from the farm. Upon arriving at the farm, police attempted to detain Ms. Reynolds and Ms. Parker, but Ms. Reynolds instead took off in her car. The pair was arrested without incident after a high-speed chase that ended with Ms. Reynolds claiming that she thought the police were most certainly chasing someone else and as a good citizen she just was just trying to get out of their way.

Bail was posted by one Peter McGowan.

As of press time, Ms. Mertz had no comment.



Bridget said...

Looks like Colin Firth and Barbara Mertz have something in common - a restraining order against Elizabeth. And I must say, I'm surprised at Boco's behavior. He was so very gentle with me. I mean a friend of mine.

TracyK said...

Yes, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. "Evanjill-lickin!"

Bpoelle said...

At least no cows were tipped during this heinous crime.

TracyK said...

Yes, but Boco will never be the same.

Shane Gericke said...

Quite satisfied, thank you Ms. Kiely, when two vowels go walkin' the first does the talkin' :-)

TracyK said...

Us posse girls know our grammar rules!