Wednesday, October 6, 2010

National Enquire October 6, 2010/Elizabeth Parker Caught in Vampire Sex Sting

Tracy Kiely

Yes, you read that right. My protagonist, Elizabeth Parker, the Austen-quoting, mystery solving, Irish Catholic girl from Northern Virginia has a kinky side. You thought the corduroy skirts and cable knit sweaters and sensible shoes bespoke a conservative nature? HA! I say nay nay, good sir! Elizabeth has a dark side – a very dark side.

It all began innocently enough when as a youth she watched a few Dracula films staring Bela Lugosi. As anyone will tell you, these movies are more campy than scary; as such, they are merely gateway drugs for the hard stuff. Soon Elizabeth was watching Gary Oldman’s Dracula and things began to change. Dracula was no longer an aging man in a goofy cape but a kind of sexy one with really cool sunglasses. Then came Underworld – now the vampires were really sexy and instead of capes they had those amazing leather outfits.

You probably can guess what happened next. Elizabeth is an avid reader and pretty soon some vamp pusher put Charlaine Harris’s book Dead Until Dark into her eager little hands. By the time HBO picked up the True Blood series, Elizabeth had a real problem. And that problem is Eric Northman. Elizabeth is obsessed with the blue-eyed, broad shouldered Sheriff of Area Five. She has hidden this obsession from her boyfriend Peter, who wouldn’t understand, and she’s even hidden it from her best friend, Bridget. The only one who suspects the truth is her Aunt Winnie, who generally knows more about Elizabeth than Elizabeth knows about herself. But even Aunt Winnie is in the dark about the true extent of Elizabeth’s fixation with the blonde Viking.

Because it’s gotten really out of hand.

Unbeknownst to her family and friends, Elizabeth has hooked up with other deviants who share her obsession with the (sexy) undead. They meet once a month – when the moon is full (duh!) and well…it’s really not appropriate to describe here. What’s worse is that their numbers are growing with new members joining every month. In fact, the group just received an application from a self-described “Austen loving, eternal redhead…” (Hmm… wait a minute. Aunt Winnie?)

But an undercover reporter from the Enquire has shined his light of truth on the group in a shocking expose. To find out the full story you’ll either have to buy the National Enquire issue, which is already selling out, or the Elizabeth Parker mystery books, of which I’m told there may be a few left.

Don’t let the covers fool you. Elizabeth is one dark horse.

14 comments:

Bpoelle said...

Um, wow. And here I thought maybe they caught her tearing those tags off of mattresses. Huh. It just goes to show ya....

TracyK said...

She's a dark one, our Elizabeth is.

Bridget said...

I love me some Eric Northman.

Joshua Corin said...

Just goes to show - often the darkest secrets are concealed inside the lightest of characters. =)

Gabi said...

You're right. I wouldn't have guessed which is exactly the story the papparazzi would be hunting.

Is this where I admit Underworld was a little too interesting to me, too?

Now I'm wondering how much you are writing what you know. Leather bustier in the closet?

TracyK said...

Nah, corduroy.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Vampires are hard to resist. I've tried too...

A corduroy bustier? Wouldn't it make that whiffing sound at inappropriate moments?

TracyK said...

True - but it's the only kind Talbots sells.

Gabi said...

Talbots. I would have guessed Osh Kosh B'Gosh with an emphasis on the B'Gosh as it is a bustier. What do you wear with a corduroy bustier?

TracyK said...

Knee-high boots.

In tweed.

Joshua Corin said...

Gabi,

With a cordouroy bustier, one wears argyle knee-high socks.

Unless it's before Labor Day.

Shane Gericke said...

And with this I bustiered out laughing ...

Love your essay!

Shane Gericke said...

In any choice between sex and anything else, Gabi, the tabs will always go with sex. Count on it :-)

Sophie Littlefield said...

ha ha ha! talbots corduroy bustier! oh you make me laugh...