Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bad to the Technicolor Bone

By Tracy Kiely

Oh, to be bad. Really bad – not just ate the wrong foods bad and tried to pass off the store bought cupcakes as homemade ones for your daughter’s birthday bad, but BAD. (The trick on that last one? Smash down the pretty icing and randomly apply mismatched sprinkles. Works like a charm!)

There are some who might claim that I showed early promise for a life of crime. My nickname as a child was “Tricky Fingers Tracy” because I displayed a unique ability to pick locks for my grandparents. (That sounds wrong. Let me clarify. They didn’t encourage me to pick other people’s locks; rather just the locks that they themselves owned but had lost the keys to.) Anyway, besides the nickname, I also showed anti-establishment tendencies by refusing – adamantly refusing – to join either The Brownies or The Girl Scouts. True, my sole reason for not joining these socially conscious and morally focused organizations wasn’t that I was bent on bucking authority but rather I found the uniforms to be utterly heinous. Honestly. Dirt brown and olive green? Sooo, not my colors. Then there were my movie choices: anything dark, macabre or dealing with the little guy taking on the establishment I loved. Alec Guinness in The Lavender Hill Mob? Delightful! Walter Matthau in Charley Varrick? Yes, please! Frank Sinatra in Ocean’s Eleven? You betcha.

Anyway, other than those early signs of nefarious tendencies, I did not embark on a life of crime. But that didn’t mean I didn’t dream. And when I dream it’s in Technicolor. Blame those early movies or the later ones like The Italian Job but I think it would be incredible fun to be part of a heist. A real stick-it-to-the-man heist. (By the way, I’ve no idea who “the man” is.) I also want to be the girl who drives the car fast – and by car, I mean not my mini van and by fast I mean not just racing to get the kids to soccer practice on time at least once this season but FAST! I want fruit flying out of stands (and that means Europe, people! Find me a place in the US where there are streets lined with wooden fruit stands).

I’ll need a crew of course. There will be a suave leader (who is secretly attracted to me – no, make that secretly smitten with me; my dream, my rules). There has to be one guy who works the computer – someone who keeps screaming something about a compromised mainframe and needing more time; like Scotty on StarTrek but geekier. There will also be the guy who doesn’t think I’m tough enough to be on the crew – someone who doubts me and challenges me at every turn but in the end is my biggest fan. Finally, there has to be the guy who is the double crosser. I will, of course, be the one to unmask him and maybe I’ll receive a slight gun shot wound to the leg or arm in the process but it will only serve to make me cooler. Through some amazing brilliant plan (of mine) the blame of the heist will be laid at the double crosser’s doorstep and we will all be cleared of any wrong doing.

Once the heist is complete (and I’ve put a cute little bandage around my wound), we will split our earnings - hug it out with each other and then and suave leader and I will head off into some European sunset.

You have to admit – it beats smashing the icing down on cupcakes.

14 comments:

Bridget said...

Didn't you do all this last summer in Portofino?

TracyK said...

Yes, but it was hushed up after I blackmailed the Chief of Police there that I would reveal the details of his torrid affair with the Mayor's wife if he pressed charges. STICKING IT TO THE MAN!!!

Meredith Cole said...

I can totally see it! Well, if we hear about a bank job in Europe, we may be checking your passport carefully...

Kelli Stanley said...

OK, Tracy, confess--"suave leader" is a pseudonym for George Clooney, right? And you escaped together to his Lake Como retreat?

"Sticky Fingers" strikes again! ;)

TracyK said...

Actually, the DeBears store in London was robbed this summer while we were staying one block away. Dismissed a coincidence..?

TracyK said...

I have been swore to secrecy on that one..(I'll be there is a sec, George!).. but there may be some truth to what you say.

Joshua Corin said...

Oh, I love heists! Where the crimes are not only illegal but clever as well.

Have you seen Spike Lee's INSIDE MAN? That's a good recent heist movie.

Have you kept up your lockpicking talents? I hear it's like riding a bike...especially if you steal the bike first by picking the lock on its chain.

TracyK said...

I have not seen the INSIDE MAN!! I will add that to Netflicks tho! As for my lock picking talents, my parole officer and lawyer think it best if I not answer that at this time due to pending and totally unfounded investigations.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Ah Tracy, we all know the soccer mom thing is totally a cover. Those kid pictures you showed probably come with the wallet. In your real life you are right now sitting on those DeBears(sp?) diamonds while someone who looks like George Clooney is feeding you cupcakes. I don't even want to know what you're doing with the sprinkles.

If I'd had this week, I would have picked heist too. It's irresistible to think about. Were you responsible for that recent heist in Paris where someone cut through the side of the safe and then sucked out the money with a big vacuum cleaner? It looked like the work of Tricky Fingers.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Here's the link to that heist, because it's too cool not to share:

http://www.businessblunder.com/2010/09/france-supermarket-chain-vacuum/

Apparently they are sucking the money through the hydraulic tubes that connect the checkout area and the safe. 15 grocery stores in 6 months.

Nicely done, Tricky Fingers!

Rebecca Cantrell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TracyK said...

Theft by a vacuum cleaner? It's right up my stay-at-home alley! How perfect is that? You know it's a bunch of bored housewives - - oh, I smell a fabulous movie staring Catherine Deneuve as the wise leader.

Shane Gericke said...

And, your heist crew needs cute pink satin jackets with "Shane's Posse of Beeches" embroidered tastefully on the right breast. Gold with purple undertones. The thread, not the breast. Just sayin'.

Gabi said...

How about a lock picking panel at the next conference? We could do a CM non-resume talent show. Lock picking, false identification, pick pocketing. A real "hands on" panel. For entertainment purposes only.

Can I borrow George next week? I've got a boring work event and no escort.