Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Killer and His Agent

Reece Hirsch

So there’s a killer on the other side of the bathroom door – what do I do? Answer: I use one the only weapon available to me – the fact that I’m a writer.

KILLER (voice muffled slightly by the bathroom door): So, you gonna come out of there or what?

ME: Why, so you can kill me?

KILLER: Well, yeah.

ME: Of course, that’s what you do, isn’t it?

The Killer doesn’t seem to feel that the question requires a response. I can hear him using some sharp metal object to pick the bathroom door’s simple lock.

ME: Listen, maybe we can work out a deal here. You know that I’m a writer, right?

KILLER: Oh yeah? What’ve you written?

ME: A legal thriller, “The Insider.”

KILLER: Was it published in hardcover?

ME: No, mass-market paperback.

I hear the Killer going to work again on the door’s lock.

ME: Wait a second, will you? I need a killer for my next book. All of us mystery and thriller writers need killers. Maybe I could use you.

KILLER: So you’d make me a character in your book?

ME: Sure, why not?

KILLER: I’d want to be the main character – like Hannibal Lecter or Dexter.

ME: That’s not the sort of book I write. How about a recurring character? Primary villain.

KILLER: Would there be a possibility for a spin-off?

ME (not exactly lying): There’s always that possibility.

KILLER (after a long pause): Okay, I’m sold. My agent will be in touch.


Michael Wiley said...

Perfect, Reece. And this just goes to show that you CAN write yourself out of a box . . . or a bathroom.

Hilary Davidson said...

This was great, Reece! (Funniest moment: "Was it published in hardcover?") Nicely done.

BTW, have you read Dave Zeltserman's PARIAH? The killer in it *has* a literary agent!

Reece said...

Thanks, Michael! Every week here at Criminal Minds we sort of have to write ourselves out of a box. You never know what that evil genius Kelli is going to throw at us.

Hilary -- I know, I know, I have an inferiority complex as a mass-market paperback writer, but at least I own up to it. And I've heard great things about Dave Zeltserman. I'm going to have to read PARIAH.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Clever thinking, Reese! I hope his agent isn't worse than the Killer himself though. Better make yourself scarce if that spinoff doesn't happen.

Reece said...

Thanks for stopping by, Becky! I'm not going to say anything bad about agents -- they have it almost as bad as lawyers.