Friday, April 8, 2011

"There's a Party In My Pants and You're Invited . . ."

By Shane Gericke

I'm the wrong guy to ask about pickup lines. I'm shy. A wallflower. In a crowd of more than me, I look at the ground, point my toe, and make circles in the dirt, so as to avoid offending with a direct gaze. The only reason I got a gal to marry me was I gave her five dollars. Which, as you know, is how I built my vast empire o' readers. It sure wasn't my writing.

But today, dear Gabrielle is busy with books or housecleaning or astrophysics or something, and asked me to fill in. I am happy to substitute for my friends as long as I have weeks of notice, because I must overcome my natural reticence for public performance by doing such trust-building exercises as gazing at my navel, writing haikus ("Sandwich at midnight/Plus a big glass of whisky/Maalox in the morn") and re-reading "Blogging for Dummies." But the vixen gave me only a few hours!

I had to feign anger, because as you know, I never like to get mad at anyone.

"Darn it to heck, Gabi," I said. "You know I require weeks of foreplay--er, foreknowledge--before subbing, so as to complete vast amounts of research and study on the appointed topic of the week."

"Or," pointed out Gabi, "you could pull it out of your ass like you used to do."

An excellent point!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Pickup lines.

Well, my hero police detective, Emily Thompson, doesn't have any. She was married, and then her husband was killed, and then she was so in the dumps for ten years--yes, dear reader, dumps that long happen--that she neither dated nor wanted to get picked up, even though every guy from here to Miami (and not a few women) wanted into her polyester uniform pants. Then she met Marty Benedetti, he of chest of cofferdam and ribs of titanium or at least concrete, and fell instantly fell in love, as only men and women fall in love in thrillers--while bullets are flying and blood is spattering!

So I can't count on Em or Marty for help.

So, I turned to our friend Mr. Internet. (The Internet is a man because it's shallow, obsessed with sex and sports, and never puts down the toilet seat.) As you might expect, there were tons of excellent lists of pickup lines. I could just copy and paste one, or be noble and pure and make up my own.

You figured out what I chose,  right? Yeah. I knew you were smart.

So here is a list of Most Excellent Pickup Lines That Will Make Your Prey Laugh Until She Puts Out Her Cigarette In Your Eyeball, You Loser:

But first, a short video to warm you up:

And now, The Most Excellent List: 
  • What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.
  • Did you fart? Because you just blew me away.
  • You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there.
  • Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
  • I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true.
  • Are you a magnet cuz I'm attracted to you.
  • Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
  • I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
  • I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
  • Baby, you're like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
  • Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice.
  • If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
  • If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
    Dang, that's Rico Suave, that booger line. Bet the guy what thought that up still splashes Hai Karate on his leisure suit. 

When Shane Gericke isn't splashing Hai Karate on his leisure suit, he's writing bestselling crime thrillers like TORN APART. Catch him at 


Lois Winston said...

Shane, it was way too early in the day to click on the blog and be confronted with that loser dude! Now I've got to go clean the coffee off the keyboard.

Meredith Cole said...

I nearly spit out my coffee, too, Lois! You're a, uh, breath of fresh air, Shane. Loved your list of pickup lines that should never ever be used (or used only if you want the person to run away screaming).

Shane Gericke said...

It fills me with contentment and pride that my humble words made you spittle your caffeine in a most inconvenient way! Because as you know, I am always here for my friends. Allow me to clean up your keyboards with my freshly laundered rag . . .

Isn't that guy just too much? When I Googled "pathetic loser dude" for photos, he was the first one after my mug shot that popped up. I knew instantly that it didn't get better than him, and off to the post he went.

Meredith, there were even more pathetic (and funny) pickup lines to choose from on Mr. Internet, but I decided to keep it clean.

Lois, I didn't know you were an agent! I just saw you on the list of agents attending AgentFest at ThrillerFest in July, and was all tickled cause I know you only as a writer. A woman of many hats!

Rebecca Cantrell said...

This is where we all say a giant word of "Thanks!" to Jerrle, for saving the world from yet more Gericke pickup lines.

Great post! Loved the video too! We miss you over here. Glad you honor us with a guest post now and again, Shane!

Shane Gericke said...

Yeah, and it only cost me five bucks to get her to marry me :-)

Thanks, Rebecca. It's way too much fun being here!

Michael Wiley said...

I didn't know that you could find such things on the internet, Shane. Thanks for letting me know . . . and for a funny post, of the kind that we miss from you.