Thursday, August 11, 2011

All of My New Friends

By Michael

My fictional P.I. Joe Kozmarski doesn’t do Facebook. It’s not that he’s averse to social media; it’s that he knows he would embarrass himself and his loved ones there.

He would accept the Friend request from the hot Tibetan cheerleader who listed only two other friends (both also in Tibet) and then his new Tibetan friend – who was really a twenty-three year old man sitting in the basement of his parents home in Phoenix – would hack into his account and send messages to Joe’s other friends and relatives claiming that Joe was in London, had had his wallet stolen, and needed three hundred dollars (money order only) quick.

Then, Joe’s friends and relatives, in retaliation for being tricked into sending three hundred dollars to London, where it was rerouted back to Phoenix, would post pictures on Joe’s wall showing him in various stages of drunkenness and various forms of bad behavior – the kind that keep employers from hiring unwary college graduates and keep clients from hiring private detectives.

And then one night Joe would be-Friend a girl he knew in high school and they would exchange a series of posts that suggested that the embers still burned between them, which would be okay if they were exchanging them as private messages, but they wouldn’t be – they would be posting them on Joe’s Wall and his high school girlfriend’s, and Joe’s ex-wife Corrine (with whom he really was trying to stoke the embers) would read the posts and break off their relationship yet again, and the high school girlfriend’s husband (yes, in spite of her heated messages to Joe, she would be married) would show up at Joe’s house and spray bullets at the windows just as Joe was trying to reconcile with Corrine.

No, Facebook isn’t for Joe. But if it was, his profile would look something like this:


Has worked at: Joseph Kozmarski Private Investigations

Studied at: University of Illinois, Chicago (for two years before dropping out). Chicago Police and Firefighter Training Academy.

High School: Gordon Tech

Current City: Chicago

Hometown: Chicago

I am: Male

Birthday: perpetually forty-three years old, so you do the math

Interested in: Women

Languages: English, Polish

About Me: Looking for love. Private Investigator. Once an alcoholic/addict, always an alcoholic/addict. Still looking for love. Single parent. Looking for good food. Proud owner of an old Buick Skylark. Given to moments of weakness. A smart ass. Always looking for love. Betrayed and betraying in spite of himself. A damned good shot. Bruised and battered. Scars, but no tattoos. Good intentioned. On the road to hell. The kind of guy he wouldn’t bring home to his own mother. A fisherman. A good friend but unreliable. A runner, physically fit for a forty-three year old bruised and battered alcoholic/addict. Would be happy to meet your sister, your mother, your daughter, or your friend, if you think there would be the possibility for love.

Books: The Last Striptease, The Bad Kitty Lounge, A Bad Night’s Sleep

Movies: Chinatown, Showgirls, On the Waterfront, Once Upon a Time in America, Saturday Night Fever



Michael is the author of three Joe Kozmarski mysteries, including most recently A Bad Night’s Sleep. While Joe Kozmarski avoids Facebook, Michael doesn’t. He gets into it so much so that his wife calls him a “Facebook Slut.” If you aren’t already Facebook friends with him and can see yourself being friends with a slut, please send him a friend request. He’ll accept it happily, unless you’re a hot Tibetan cheerleader with only two other friends.


Meredith Cole said...

Yes, some people do need to stay off Facebook... Glad Joe is smart enough to steer clear. Too many demons!

Michael Wiley said...

One thing Joe doesn't need is more demons . . . or more obsessions. (Is that two things?)

Thanks, Meredith.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Thank you, Joe, for knowing when to stop, if only where Facebook is concerned. Because, really, we all need fewer random bullet spraying.

And he shouldn't have been flirting with that girl in FB while trying to get together with his ex-wife anyway. Tut. Tut.

One has to wonder what he would do if he texted...

Michael Wiley said...

Thanks, Rebecca. As for texting, he would probably get his thumbs tied.

Gary Phillips said...

Nicely done, Michael.

Michael Wiley said...

Thanks, Gary.