Friday, August 26, 2011

A Felony Contwition

Gabriella Herkert

Catnapped and Doggone

Benjamin Franklin said, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” That Ben had a lot on the ball. If he’d been born in a later time, or even just given a chance to modernize such sage advice it would read something like, “Neither a tweeterer nor a twit be.” Particularly if you are sitting in a paddy wagon.

It probably seems like a great idea. Take advantage of the narrow window between hook-up and mug shot to call in reinforcements, feed your mom a story about car trouble or post a quick update for other members of the bachelor party. Hard to imagine but this great idea is worse than the great idea that got you the pat down in the first place and I’m not even sure what bad idea that was. Whatever it was, those 140 characters are not going to make the situation better. In fact, on a per character basis, they’re riskier than the Hole in the Wall Gang. That said, in my moment of sobriety and clarity, I can imagine what might end up on a Twitter page somewhere. Sort of the techie version of “Cops” complete with caricatures playing the roles of actual people.

The Twoosher: WTF. N bck of crewsr. Twaggle also n cufs. OH po 2 pad. Dump stash b4 cop chks. Gun 2. Totl Tweetard. Get peeps 4 alibi. Screw da sht cop. LMAO.

The Speeter: $!

The Tweetex: B had me bustd. B’lv dat chik?

The Drunktwitterer: WTTTF/ Got no bet do, dud. Ned ball. That u ma? Sht. Ment 2 cal. BRB.

The Celebweeter: Punched by Penn. Gr8 pic. N da $$. R-estd 4 aslt. B’lv dat sht? More $.4 me.

The Politweet: Gr8 411 n mayrs trash. R-estd 4 tres. Hold p1 4 scup.

The Tweetfel: R-estd 4 B&E. Totl BS but L8 4 mtg w prob off. Lookg @ 3d strik.

The Twitwit: I tawt I taw a puddy tat.

The Clieneeter: LAWYER.

Maybe it’s just me but it’s like the whole world has vanity plates in a foreign language. And not any foreign language. A combination of Klingon (spoken by a select few) and American sign language where non-signers aren’t even sure that flick of the hand is supposed to mean something. Worse, when I practiced the handcuffed behind my back technique, all of my texts made me look like the illiterate drunktweeter having a bad day. Maybe those smart phones with little tiny keys would make it easier for the cops to use my public blathering in a case against me but with my limited skills and the touch screen of my iPhone, I might actually catch a break. Unless they speak fluent gibberish, my texting could only support my claim of diminished capacity.

I promised myself I wouldn’t go all legal here but do remember, should you find yourself in a panda under lock down, you have no expectation of privacy. A tweet is public. It’s like screaming the words. Even if you haven’t heard the Miranda warning yet, excited utterances (and their technical tweet equivalents) will most likely be used against you. Maybe that Miranda needs a touch up. You have the right to remain silent and, hopefully, the smarts not to tweet. If you give up that right or do something incredibly dumb like post pictures committing felonies for all your friends to see, that will be held against you in a court of law and you’ll look really dumb besides. If you cannot afford and attorney or a techie to establish that your account was hacked and those entries were made by someone else, we’ll appoint a lawyer who won’t understand either the technology or your brain cramp. Good luck with that.

Thanks for reading.



Michael Wiley said...

Good advice, Gabi. Here I thought that I would tweet Reece for help, but now I see that I could tweet for a whole legal team.

Gabi said...

I wonder if your tweets would be priviliged if you were already being represented by your tweet-ee. Hmmm.

Meredith Cole said...

My mind boggles... But yes, I think any tweets you make during arrest can and should be used against you. Maybe direct message would be better?

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

OMG! What a fun post! And I learned a lot about tweeting vernacular. Here I was tweeting proper grammar and sentence structure when all I needed was a spastic alphabet.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Thanks for setting us straight, Gabi. Let's set some ground rules now. If I DM you a 911, then you know to come spring me, right? Assuming you're not in the backseat next to me.

Who put those handcuffs on you for you to practice behind the back tweeting? The research you do for your blogs is exemplary, especially if he was cute.

Gabi said...

IMs are harder to trace. Advance to the felony round.

Gabi said...

Sue Ann,
I'm not even sure I know what this says anymore. We need a 12-year old tweet twanslator!

Gabi said...

You try asking to use someone's handcuffs for research. It's socially awkward even though the cute ones always seem to have heard it before...hmmm.

My feelinsg will be hurt if I'm not charged as an accomplice. You call Kelli and I'll call Shane and, hopefully, one of them will have gotten away and will be free to post for both of us.

Reece said...

Fun post, Gabi. Now I understand that all of those indecipherable texts and tweets are just in Klingon. That explains a lot.

Gabi said...

Happy to help, Reece.

Jimmy Callaway said...

I dunno, this sounds like Darwinism at work. If you're a dope enough to commit a crime and get caught, then I hope you'd have the courtesy to tweet about it, thus solidifying the case against you and helping to take yourself off the streets. It's what any good citizen should do.

Incidentally, not to be a stick-in-the-mud, but that "borrower nor lender" line is actually from Hamlet.