Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Showing up late...

So, I'm showing up late to my virtual panel on panel problems. Let's run with that. I'm arriving late, looking harried, hair still wet from the shower, and cursing under my breath.

I guess the first question I don't want to have asked is "Why are you late?'

Unless I have a fantastic answer involving meetings with TV producers or the long line cashing in my lottery check or an explanation of how I finally sorted out that difficult scene and just had to keep going. But it's more likely I'll have an answer like "I overslept" or "I forgot" which is just so terrible I will have to resort to a lie involving alien abductions and a horse.

Question Two probably involves sex scenes which I'm squirmy talking about and writing. I mean, I've obviously had sex, thought about sex, and written about sex. None of that means that I'm not going to blush on the panel.

Question Three is always about some terrible atrocity that I have the answer honestly and with historical accuracy and details. This brings the room right down and leaves me ending on "but it's not ALL bleak."

Question Four is about something that has nothing to do with my book or me and was clearly meant for some other panelist, maybe someone with extensive knowledge of plumbing.

And Question Five comes back to the very first panel I ever did and asks about how to extract sperm from a corpse.

There you go! Around the questions in 5 paragraphs!

Sorry I'm late. Thanks for waiting!

11 comments:

Rebecca Cantrell said...

This is what happens when you come late.

Let it serve as a warning!

Reece said...

Hi Becky -- I hate those sex scene questions, too. I keep getting asked why two of my character did not sleep together. And I'm not even going to attempt to comment on question 5!

Meredith Cole said...

Very funny! The last time I arrived late, I said that I like to inject a note of suspense in my book signings (as well as my books). Never got some of those other questions (thank goodness). I certainly don't know anything about, um, plumbing.

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

I'm with you guys, I hate questions about sex. If you answer too honestly, you might offend someone. If you sidestep the question, you leave disappontment behind. Question 5 is just off the chart icky.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Reece: I actually asked question 5 myself, off a panel, and it came up again during the panel.

I once heard a writer quote that readers always think you do none of the violence, but have all of the sex.

Ai-yi-yi!

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Meredith: I like that answer! May I use it the next time I'm late?

I'm general very punctual, so I promise not to over-use it.

Isn't that oddball question always a surprise? I once got "Could you compare and contrast Nazi propaganda techniques between 1933 and 1938?" at a reading. I could, and did, but had a sneaking suspicion I was doing someone's homework for them.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Sue Ann: We are clearly all not getting invited to be on the sex scene panel any time soon.

Every book I have to expand the word "afterward" into a couple of pages of...umm...description.

It's a sad state of affairs, really.

Michael Wiley said...

Okay, Rebecca, here it is:

"Would you please tell us more, albeit belatedly, about the Nazi horse-alien sex scene in the book you didn't write, specifically pertaining to how the alien uses a PVC plumbing pipe to extract sperm from the horse after the horse dies?"

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Michael,

Not that question again! :)

I plead the fifth.

Kelli Stanley said...

Ha! As one of the lucky people present on Becky's first panel, I can attest that the sperm question was real and it was fabulous. :)

Sometimes unorthodox questions make for the best memories ...

xoxo

Gabi said...

My best excuse ever for being late to a panel -- the moose are in rut.
Bouchercon Alaska.

I could practically see you running up to your computer today -- nice post.