Monday, December 12, 2011

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

I have many favorite authors. Some I read. Some I consider good friends. Some fall into both categories. But, truth be told, my favorite author is me.  Not to sound arrogant, but if we can’t love ourselves and our own work, how can we expect others to love it enough to actually pay for it. So, while the question of the week is to write your favorite author's Edgar acceptance speech, with your indulgence, here is my Edgar acceptance speech.
Picture a short, fat middle-aged woman dressed in a lovely black lace dress and wobbling around in uncomfortable shoes because, let’s be frank, Crocs doesn’t yet make a style for formal wear.  Her newly grown out gray hair is perfectly spiked, and for a change she is wearing lipstick and mascara (but only because her manager threatened her with bodily harm if she didn’t).  In her hands she clutches an ugly bust of a man with black painted hair and moustache and a deathly white face. Sue Ann Jaffarian has just won the Edgar, mystery writing’s most coveted prize. It doesn’t matter which category.
In the background Kelly Clarkson croons A Moment Like This.
For a moment like this,
Some people wait a lifetime…
On stage I’m blubbering like a kid whose favorite doll just fell in the mud. I stand before the microphone, sniff back the tears and open my mouth. Nothing comes out but the rasp of mucous. More tears fall. My mascara is running down my face like roots from hell-trees.
Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime,
For a moment like this
The crowd quiets, waiting for me to pull myself together and say a quick word of thanks so they can return to their cocktails. I want a drink, too. Desperately.  I clutch the statuette so hard, the microphone picks up a pronounced crack.
“Damn,” I say with wet and swollen words. “I think I broke Edgar’s neck.”


Jeri Westerson said...

You and me both, Sue Ann. So far, I'm the Susan Lucci of Mystery Awards. But hey, at least I'm nominated. Not so much with an Edgar, though. That'll be the day.

gregkshipman said...

Yes indeedy, genius writer, I like thee, I really like thee!

Who are the judges for this poorly constructed 'Edgar' ? Maybe I could take a few friends from the 'corner' and have a talk with them. Seems like a simple conversation should open their eyes to your 'lit' brilliance. Since I'm a sucker for animal rights I doubt if I'll travel the 'horse's-head-in-the-bed' road... besides genius will always ‘out’… so when you receive your ‘Edgar’ (and you shall) be gentle with it while holding it in your hands… but just in case, they could have a spare standing by…

As for the description for on-stage Sue Ann, ‘short, fat, middle-aged woman’, you forgot to add (in caps) ATTRACTIVE… but you’re forgiven ‘cause no one’s perfect— except for that ‘walking-on-water’ guy…

Meredith Cole said...

I am imagining you striding up onto the stage with confidence (like a woman who wears stilettos every day), and succinctly and gracefully thanking everyone. Of course, the criminal minds are all in the audience screaming and cheering... Yay Sue Ann!

Dru said...

I can definitely see that. If you were a floor length gown, you can still wear those crocs.

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

Thanks for sharing my fantasy.

Meredith, for sure, I'd expect you all there!

Dru, hey, there's an idea. Floor-length. Yeah!