Thursday, February 16, 2012

Seduce your significant other with words: the FAIL version

Thanks to Criminal Minds for having me here.   I’ll be writing a few posts while Kelli’s away, so let me introduce myself. 

Gary says: "Hi!"
I write mysteries set in the ancient world, as does Kelli.  The difference is, Kelli’s books are set in Roman Britain, starring a Roman doctor, while mine are in ancient Greece.  My detective is Nicolaos, who walks the mean streets of classical Athens, and though Nico’s a detective, what's really on his mind is how to get closer (much closer) to Diotima, an intelligent and annoyingly virgin priestess of Artemis.

And therein lies a problem for poor Nicolaos, because like most men, he’s not so good at the mushy stuff. 

Mushy stuff can be a particular challenge for we male writers!  Most men manage to attract a charming wife regardless of our defects, but when you’re a writer, you not only have to do it for yourself, but then you have to write seductive lines for your hero.  In my case, I solved this problem by applying to my hero the same savoir faire that I exhibit in real life.

Witness the following disaster.  We join our heroes as they hide in a cupboard, where they’ve been trapped, while two suspects have kinky sex in the room outside.  This is Nico’s seduction technique:

I glanced to my side at Diotima.  She watched intently through the crack in the cupboard door. 

I put out my hand.  She must have felt the movement because she took my hand.  I squeezed.  She squeezed back, not taking her eye off the action outside.  Was she holding my hand for comfort, or because she was getting excited too?

I had to do something.  Now or never.  I let go Diotima’s hand and edged mine up to Diotima’s bottom.  I waited for her reaction.  She was still peering through the crack, but I felt her press back the slightest amount.  So I put my other hand on her breast.

She gasped, slapped my hand away and turned to me.  “No, Nicolaos.  What are you doing?”  She said it quietly but with force.

“I would have thought that was obvious,” I whispered.  “I want to have sex with you.”

On the other side of the doors, the bed was creaking.  Mnesiptolema was moaning.

In here?” Diotima fairly shrieked.  Fortunately the groans on the other side drowned her out.

“Oh!  Oh!  Oh!”

Diotima looked away.  I saw her face was flushed, but whether the emotion was anger or something else I didn’t know.  She took a step toward me. 

“Nicolaos, I—”

“Ooh!”  That was Archeptolis.

“Aah!”  That was Mnesiptolema.

At least someone got to have simultaneous orgasms, I though sourly.

Diotima is likely to remain annoyingly virgin while things like this happen. 

I confess I have no problem writing failed seduction lines!  I guess this means my chances of ever writing a James Bond script are limited.


Rebecca Cantrell said...

Thank you for stopping by and for taking over for Kelli for a bit, Gary! It'll be a treat seeing you around for the next few weeks!

And kudos for being the first person this week to take on the question.

You are a very mean author indeed, for making Nico's love interest a temple virgin. That's quite a mountain to...err...climb.

Fran said...

Ah, don't sell yourself short, Gary! I absolutely LOVE the way Nico and Diotima are getting together.

Oh, but poor Nico. My money's on Diotima getting what she wants!

Gary Corby said...

The driving circumstances are very sad, but it's a pleasure to be here, Rebecca.

I am indeed a very cruel author. It probably goes with the territory.

I'd like to say I'm sure it'll all end happily for Nico, but I'm reliably informed that "happy ending" has a particular meaning in the US, which I wasn't aware of until I used it in a public talk and then wondered why everyone was laughing.

Gary Corby said...

Hi Fran! How's things in lovely Seattle?

You're right. Diotima is a handful in more ways than one. There's a scene coming up in the third book that I think you're going to enjoy.