Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Train in Vain

by Josh

Ooh, sociopathy. One of my favorite subjects. I mean, just the notion of someone having so little regard for others that he or she can manipulate and swindle without fear of conscience seems so absolutely antithetical to how I live my own daily life, burdened as it is by Jewish guilt (which is Catholic guilt without nails).

And so if I were anointed to the DSM board and tasked to prepare a questionnaire for determining sociopathy, I suppose the result would look something like this:

1. You find a $20 bill on the sidewalk. Do you A) look to see who dropped it B) pocket the $20 bill and go on with your day C) pretend that the $20 was yours all along and accuse a passerby of picking your pocket in an attempt to shake them down of more money

2. You travel back in time to 1944 and have a chance to kill Hitler. Do you A) pull the trigger B) let Hitler live, because he is a human being just like you C) ask him for pointers

3) Your girlfriend brings home a stray cat. Do you A) treat it like a new member of the family B) call Animal Control C) pee on the bed when your girlfriend isn't home and then blame the cat

4) You arrive at your book club having not read the book. Do you A) apologize B) make up a false excuse C) pretend to have read the book and even get into an argument about some of the book's salient details

5) You are pulled over for speeding. Do you A) give the officer your license and registration B) argue with the officer about whether or not you were speeding C) accuse the officer of speeding too, thus hoping for a zero sum game

6) You are reading a crime novel. Do you A) identify with the unfortunate victim B) identify with the perceptive detective C) identify with the hyperintelligent perpetrator?

5 comments:

Michael Wiley said...

A great survey, Josh -- though the one about the cat and the pee might haunt my memory for a while. If you were to add another possible answer to each question -- "All of the above" -- you could also use this as a text for a multiple personality disorder.

Joshua Corin said...

Thanks, Michael - and you're absolutely right. Would "none of the above" apply to a nihilist?

Meredith Cole said...

Very funny! I think you have some definite insights into the sociopathic mind, Josh. Hopefully this is something you only use in your fiction...

Joshua Corin said...

Of course, Meredith, of course...

Gabi said...

So you are a "C" student, I'll bet.