Thursday, May 17, 2012

Pulp Hamlet

(By Michael)

                                    “Rip me! Rip me!”
                                                – Cora, The Postman Always Rings Twice

Ophelia:            Rip me. [Hamlet rips her blouse.] Again . . . again. [He does, he does.]


Hamlet:             That was either my sixteenth-century fingers, or your sixteenth-century bodice.

Ophelia:            My bodice, baby! Rip me! Rip me!

Hamlet:             I already did. I already did.

Ophelia:            You’re so hot. Let’s kill my dad..

Hamlet:             Polonius?

Ophelia:            He’s a perv and talks like an Elizabethan.

Hamlet:             So do you.

Ophelia:            I know. Rip me. [Hamlet rips her bodice.] I saw him in my bedchamber fingering my knickers.

Hamlet:             Oh man, I’ll stab him in the arras.

Ophelia:            The ass?

Hamlet:           The arras – the curtain. I’ll stab him when he’s hiding behind the arras.

Ophelia:            You talking Elizabethan?

Hamlet:             Yeh.

Ophelia:            That’s why you’re italicizing?

Hamlet:             Uh huh.

Ophelia:            Grrr. Rip me.

Hamlet:             Wait – Here he cometh.

Ophelia:            Grrr.

Hamlet:             What the hell? That’s mom’s bedchamber. What kind of kinky-ass . . . Hey, yo! Polo! Wassup with the Peeping Tom? You peeping on the queen-my-mother, my-father’s-brother’s-lover?”
Polonius [Clutching his heart]:               Sire, I assure thee –

Hamlet [Drawing his sword]:                 I’ll assure you.

Polonius:           Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Hamlet:             You talking like Ben Franklin, old man?

Polonius:           Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Hamlet:             Wait a minute – That’s Elizabethan.

Ophelia:            Rip me?

Polonius:           Beware of entrance to a quarrel –

Hamlet:             Enough!

Polonius:            – but being in, bear it that the opposed may beware of thee.

Hamlet:              ENOUGH!

Polonius:           This above all –

Hamlet [Running his sword through Polonius]:    A rat!

Polonius [Dying]:          To thine own self be true.

Ophelia: [Regarding her fallen father]:    You killed him.

Hamlet:             Yeh.

Ophelia:            That’s hot.

Hamlet:             Yeh.

Ophelia:            Rip me.

Hamlet:             Later, babe. Right now, I got an uncle that needs killing.



Kelli Stanley said...

Brilliant, Michael! Hamlet as a noir-cum-teenage exploitation flick ... I love it! :)

Gabi said...

Those Elizabethian bodices were made of stern stuff.

You do make me laugh. And then you write.

Michael Wiley said...

Great to see you again, Kelli -- and thanks.

Michael Wiley said...

They used whalebone "bents" back then, Gabi -- and when they cracked they really cracked.

I like your laugh.

Reece said...

Funny post, Michael! When you take away all the Elizabethan English and iambic pentameter, James Cain and Shakespeare have more in common than I thought.

Michael Wiley said...

Thanks, Reece. I'm not the first to think that Hamlet is the original hard-boiled detective, though I've recently heard of an earlier contender: Sophocles' Oedipus.