Thursday, August 9, 2012

Going for the Gold

by Alan

What Olympic sport would Channing Hayes excel at?

gold medalChanning Hayes is not known for his athletic prowess, so let’s do this by process of elimination.

He’s a stand-up comic, a denizen of the night. Right off the bat, I think we can safely eliminate all outdoor activities.

He performs alone, so we’ll ditch all the team sports.

He doesn’t much like water. No swimming or diving.

He gets motion sickness (a little, from time to time). Out goes indoor cycling.

Channing is not a strong man, and he really only gets physical when his life—or someone else’s life—is in danger. Add to that a low threshold of physical pain, and we can eliminate weightlifting, judo, taekwando, wrestling, boxing, and any other sport where you can get hurt. (He can take heckling, just not broken bones.)

Channing is about as limber as lumber. Gymnastics? Hah! Trampoline? Not hardly (Can you say splat?).

What does that leave? Badminton, fencing, and table tennis. Channing has smarts and quick reflexes, so any of these sports might fit. Let’s dig a little deeper.

Channing doesn’t look good dressed in all white, so there goes fencing. And badminton? Nah, just on principle.

So table tennis it is.

Too bad there isn’t an Olympic Beer Pong team. Channing would be the gold medal favorite.


Meredith Cole said...

I grew up with a ping pong table and it was the one sport I excelled at in gym class. Go Channing go!

Reece said...

I know it isn't an Olympic sport (yet) but Channing might also consider bumper pool.

Alan Orloff said...

Meredith - I played a lot of Ping Pong, too. In fact, I used to play my little brother, using a shoe (and a brick) instead of a paddle. I still killed him.

Reece - Yes! Bumper pool. And darts. And that basketball pop-a-shot game. And I bet Channing is real good at shooting the water into the clown's mouth to burst the balloon "sport."