Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Texts from Marie Lawrence, assistant to Tracy Kiely

 8.00 am Hi, Mrs. Kiely. I’m at your house. I saw your note on the door and let myself in. I just wanted to tell you again how excited I am to be working with you. I love your books and am so thrilled about your movie deal! See you soon! All the best, Marie.

8.30 I thought I might have missed your response. You have a dog! And he’s so energetic! And big! And fast! He really loves to retrieve things, doesn’t he? It took me twenty minutes to get my phone out of his mouth. Best, Marie.

9.03 Sorry to bother. I just met your cat. Another surprise! I am usually really good with pets, but, um, does he usually sit on your desk and stare at people like that? It’s a bit unnerving. He doesn’t seem to like me. Please let me know what you want me to do. I’m ready to work. Thanks, Marie.

9.15 Where do you keep your Band-Aids? Your cat really doesn’t like anyone, does he? Marie.

9.30 Hi, again. More surprises! I didn’t know you had kids! I just met your daughter. She is lovely! And she wants breakfast – French toast to be precise. I guess you are running late, so I just wanted you to know that I’m taking care of it. See you soon! Marie.

10.15 Another Kiely!  I wish you had told me you had a sixteen-year-old!  I thought a grown man had broken into the house. You can deduct the cost of the dishes I threw at him from my first paycheck. Are you getting my texts? Please let me know.  M.

11.00 Hey - I just found a prescription bottle of zanax for your dog. You don’t really give your dog zanax, do you? M.

11.13 I just gave your dog the recommended maximum dosage. M  

12.45 pm Hi again. Your youngest son is now up. That’s it, right? It’s just the three of them? No more children lurking about upstairs are there? I gather he’s not a morning person – even though it’s well past noon. I made him some French toast, too, but he didn’t want that. I finally figured out from his grunts and gestures that he wanted cereal. Your daughter says you call him “the angry guest in Room 3.” I can certainly see why. Please let me know when you are coming! M.

1.30 Hi. Your kids are fighting. Loudly. From what I can tell, it’s over who can sit in the “flowered chair.” But I don’t think I have that right because there is another chair next to it that seems identical. Could you please call me soon?   M.

2.30 Your youngest son can’t find his shoes. Or his toothbrush.  He also said something about going “mando,” but I didn’t ask for details. 

3.45 Seriously. What is the deal with the cat? He’s freaking me out. Is he allowed to take the zanax? Where are you?

4.30 Mrs. Kiely, I just got a call from a hotel in London, confirming your reservation for tonight. They said you are staying with them for two weeks. This is a joke, right? Please tell me that you didn’t hire me to baby-sit your kids and your crazy pets for two weeks!   THIS IS NOT RIGHT! 


Anonymous said...

this reminded me of that scene in the extras of The Incredibles when Kari is home with Jack-Jack. i loved it!

TracyK said...

Oh, I love that part!

Vicki Delany said...

Excellent post! And a great idea to boot.

Meredith Cole said...

Ah, London... When your assistant is done at your house, can she come to mine?

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

No, Meredith, Tracy's assistant is coming to my house next! My pets are sweet and I have no kids. She'll love it! Then again, I do have tons of laundry and household chores that need attention. I hope she knows how to fix shorts in light fixtures. And I'd like my bedroom painted. Then there's the few dozen attorneys at the office who are always in need of something or other. (Tracy, she does know the difference between articles of incorporation and a subpoena, right?) And forget London, I'm heading for a spa with cabana boys that look like Joe Manganiello.

Reece said...

I vote to make Marie the administrative assistant for the entire CM team.

Shirley said...

Movie deal? Did I miss something? Tell all!

Gina Fava said...

Hysterical post. I laughed out loud. Thanks for that :)

Dana Kaye said...

Great post, Tracy! And, movie deal??? Did I seriously miss something?