Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Resolutions I Have Known

 By Tracy Kiely
I am a sucker for making resolutions. They are just so adorable with their sweet promise of hope and their alluring scent of a cleaner, happier, fitter life. I like them so much, in fact, that I don’t limit myself to the traditional New Year’s variety. I also am partial to the Back to School Season Resolutions, the Spring Cleaning Resolutions, and Holy Crap Swimsuit Season is Around the Corner Resolutions, and finally, the Sunday Morning/Never Again Resolution.
            I think one of the reasons I make so many resolutions is because I’ve never actually fulfilled one.
            Not. A. One.
            But, that hasn’t deterred me. Not a bit. After all, the odds are that one of these days at least one of them will stick. I mean, the House can’t always win, right?
            So, yes. I have resolutions. Here is a sampling of a few that are on the list for 2016.
  •   I will drink 10 glasses of water a day. I will not be happy until my pee is translucent.
  •   I will get up at 6 am everyday and organize my day.
  •   I will write 2,000 words a day on my book (italics added to prevent me from counting words scribbled on a grocery list, emails, and online orders).
  •    I will be better about using social media – in that I will actually check my Facebook page more than once every six months.
  •   I will figure out the difference between Snapchat and Instragram.
  •   I will walk both of my oversized golden retrievers one hour each day, without looking like a YouTube video waiting to go viral.

My pups with my oldest. I believe he posted this picture on his Snapchat. Or Instagram. Or Facebook.

  •  I will create a file of friends’ addresses so I can print labels at Christmas (this is a special one to me, as it’s been on the list for ten years – congratulations!).
  •  I will try to understand publishing trends and why the hell cats on covers of mysteries sell like friggin’ hotcakes.

I just posted this, and it's already Number 1 on Amazon.

  •   I will find out what the hell hotcakes are. 

  •   I will stop cursing so damn much.
  •   I will read more books (again, italics added to prevent counting People Magazine in waiting rooms, BuzzFeed, and forwarded emails).
  •  I will stop assuming that Trump will finally say/do something so outrageous that he will be forced to drop his presidential bid.
It's just a matter of time.

  •   I will learn how to use Google calendar and then actually use it.
  •  I will be kind to myself when I blow each and every one of these resolutions.

Happy New Year!


Susan C Shea said...

I kept jerking for a pencil: "Yes, that too." And by the way, Bathing Suit Season and the serious resolutions are so close at hand that we can start failing in January and find ourselves in perfectly bad shape in June. It takes months and One Last Box of See's Candy to really get that one wrong. Best of luck to you for another perfect year!

TracyK said...

Ohhh! I love See's Candy! Which is why they have been granted a Special Exemption from All Resolutions.

Alan Orloff said...

I was going to count Facebook posts and blog entries toward my daily word quota, but I didn't even consider on-line orders! Brilliant!

TracyK said...

If you are ever looking for loopholes, I'm your Girl Friday.