Thursday, June 22, 2017

Mayberry Madness

by Alan

Your assignment: You must novelize a popular TV show, past or present. The catch: you must change its genre. What show and what new genre? Give us a taste of the plotline and character arcs. (Example: Turning I Love Lucy into a serialized thriller series similar to 24.)

 
(The following is not a novelization. More like a screenplayization.)

FADE IN:

INT MAYBERRY JAIL – LATE AFTERNOON

Deputy Sheriff BARNEY FIFE sits on the edge of Sheriff ANDY TAYLOR’S desk, one leg dangling.

BARNEY
So, Ange, Thelma Lou and I were planning to go to the movies on Saturday, and we were wondering if you and—

The door to the jail opens and OTIS THE DRUNK stumbles in, covered in blood. He goes directly to the hook on the wall, removes the key to a cell, and opens up the cell. Then he closes the door behind him.

ANDY
Howdy, Otis. Ain’t it a bit early for you to be visitin’?

OTIS
I’m guilty, guilty, guilty. I kilt them all!

Barney gets up, rushes over to the cell.

BARNEY
Ha! I knew it was you! Who have you killed now, you worthless slob?

ANDY
Easy, Barney. Otis is just talkin’. Ain’t that right?

OTIS
No, Sheriff. I really did it. I killed everyone. See all the blood? It ain’t mine.

Otis flops on cot, and Barney stalks over to Andy’s desk.

BARNEY
Listen, Ange, Otis hasn’t been right lately. This whole town ain’t been right lately. Those three people mauled to death last week. Four others gone missing. Something serious has been happening around here, and we’ve finally got the confession we need! We need to transfer Otis to maximum security over to Mount Pilot!

ANDY
Otis is just exaggerating. Probably shot a deer, is all. You’re getting a little wound up, don’t you think? This is Mayberry. Nothing bad happens around here.

BARNEY
What about the two beheadings week before last? And what about Floyd’s throat being cut? That bad enough for you, Ange!

ANDY
Barney, I think you’re right near foaming at the mouth. Why don’t you take Thelma Lou out for a nice supper, keep your mind from worrying?

BARNEY
Worrying? I’m trying to catch the Mayberry Serial Killer who’s been terrorizing our town!

Barney goes to the file cabinet, pulls out a sheaf of papers.

BARNEY
I’ve been keeping track. Over the last three months, twenty-four people have been murdered and another eighteen are missing. And the perpetrator is right under our noses! Otis just confessed. You need to arrest him. Take action!

Andy strokes his chin, looks off into the distance.

ANDY
You might be on to something, Barn. But this needs some more thought. I’m going home to enjoy whatever Aunt Bea has whipped up for dinner. Make sure Opie’s done his homework. Then maybe I’ll sit on the porch and think a spell.

BARNEY
It’s Otis, Ange! The murderer in our midst is Otis! He confessed! He’s covered in blood! There’s a knife sticking out of his pocket!

Andy gets up, puts his hat on.

ANDY
You’re in charge. Got yer bullet?

Barney taps his shirt pocket.

BARNEY
Got it.

ANDY
Good. Now don’t do anything rash. We’ll figure this all out, and then we can get an ice cream soda down at that new place opened up on Main Street. Sounds mighty good to me!

Andy leaves. Barney waits until the door shuts, then fumbles the bullet out of his pocket. Drops it on the floor. Picks it up and with a shaking hand finally manages to load it into his gun. Then he tiptoes over to the jail cell where Otis lies on his cot, snoring. He raises the gun. Aims.

FADE TO BLACK

1 comment:

Dietrich Kalteis said...

Thanks, Alan. That was entertaining.