Thursday, March 8, 2018

One Star

"Write a review of your own latest book" By Catriona

Well, this is just unbearable. I've been fretting about writing this blog since I saw the week's topic on Monday.

For one thing I've never written a review before.

But that's not the real problem.

The real problem is that I come from a culture where "You love yourself" is a bitter insult and even "You're good to yourself" is quite a mean thing to say to anyone. So the only review it won't hurt to write is a savage one.

Here goes. My one-star, Amazon-style review of SCOT FREE (coming on the 8th of April in the US)


Review title:  Boooooring.

This is supposed to be a comic mystery but I didn't laugh once. I have a good sense of humor and I found nothing amusing in this confused and pointless read. It is not funny to kill a man by putting a firework inserted into his anatomy and the heroine is unlikable too. She is no good at choosing a partner and is a bad role model. She drinks too much alcohol and eats burritos from a food truck and is a very bad role model. And she has casual sex and there is infidelity and other unpleasant things. And she walks alone through a dangerous neighborhood at night without being frightened and so the "author" doesn't understand Real Life.

The scene in the morgue is disrespectful and the second scene in the morgue is disgusting and unnecessary. So is the language. There is no need to take the Lord's name in vain, it is a sign of weak talent and jumping on the "Bandwagon".

The characters are boring and not realistic. I am sick of politically correct rants that shoves social issues down you're throat instead of just telling a good story. Why does everyone have to be gay these days, it's not realistic. There is no need for alternative lifestyles to be in mysteries instead of in there own books. The story would be just the same with regular people. And why does there have to be all the "races" all the time? We have all seen movies and TV shows and we know that is not what California is really like. I am not a racist, but it is not realistic that this heroine would have these friends. And if anyone calls me a racist now, that is your racism showing.

The plot is stupid. It is boring and confusing. Nothing happens and it is too comlpicated to follow.  And it is not even properly explained at the end because of all the Loose Threads left "hanging".  I still don't know whodunit and the author is too lazy to finish the book properly and tell us whodunit. She probably just got sick of writing and so she stopped and that is the end.

And there is too much British slang. And the heroine isn't even British, she is Scottish! So there is no need for all the British slang instead of regular English. This writer should have paid an editor to catch the mistakes because they are off-putting and distracting. But she was too lazy.

I will never read another book by this Author unless she learns to write.

The Kindle version  is too expensive.



17 comments:

Lesa said...

Catriona, That review had me cracking up as much as the book did. It's the best "One Star" review I've ever read. You hit every complaint possible. (I hope you're not writing one star reviews for Amazon.)

Karen in Ohio said...

Yep, that's a one-star review, all righty.

I'd give it one star, for sure!

Catriona, you nailed it.

Kristopher said...

So funny. This is one of the main reasons I will never post my reviews to Amazon (and other retail sites). These things need to be curated so that bitter readers - like yourself - don't destroy a book unnecessarily.

This calls for a counter-review on BOLO Books - so that real readers will know the joys of McPherson.

RM Greenaway said...

Hahahaha ... that felt good!

Ann Mason said...

And this, my darling, is why I read all your books. I mean, seriously, if I require erudition, there is always Proust.

Love, Your favorite stalker

Jessica Lourey said...

"...a good story..."

Jessie said...

Omg Catriona!!!!!! You hit it outta the ball park! This book belongs right with mine in the trailer trash pig sty! bwahahhaaaaaaaaa! I love the book (helps to work at a bookstore and score the arc) and you!

Cathy Ace said...

Love it :-) 5 stars for the review!

Alex M said...

This is all kinds of awesome, C. At least you don't get "I realised that the author was a woman, I don't like books by women, why is she pretending to be a man???", I suppose. xx

Kathy Reel said...

This review is so hilarious, and, of course, that's to be expected from the wit of Catriona McPherson. I was cackling out loud from the review title to the pronouncement of the book being too expensive on Kindle.

Clea Simon said...

"nothing happens, and it is too complicated." Ha! (aka, too true)

Shannon Baker said...

"The Kindle version is too expensive."

James L'Etoile said...

Eats burritos from a food truck and is a very bad role model. One star indeed!

Joni said...

“There is no need for alternative lifestyles to be in mysteries instead of in there own books” is my favorite. Or maybe “that is just your racism showing.” This is brilliant.

Catriona McPherson said...

I'm sorry to say that there was no imagination needed here. I just patched together comments that have actually appeared. Jim, I am regularly mystified by people who find female protags "unlikeable" because of "poor life choices". IT"S GOT A MURDERER IN IT AND YOU'RE CARPING ABOUT THIS?

Susan C Shea said...

Just coming out of my flu daze and this cheered me up greatly! Perfect, Catriona!

Cherie OBoyle said...

From one of my Amazon reviews: "At about the 90% mark, I learned that one fellow was black, though he had appeared several times earlier." Apparently authors must introduce characters by skin color, so as not to trick readers into thinking they are all "regular" people. A whole new twist on Black Lives Matter. The bad writing in your post made me laugh sardonically.