Monday, November 8, 2010


If I were a criminal…

This week’s question is, “What’s Your Criminal Dream Job?” The simple answer is anything where I wouldn’t get caught. (Orange is definitely not my color!) That said, I’m assuming my blog-mates expect more than a one-sentence response from me. So after giving this a bit of thought, I’ve opted for becoming the Avenging Angel -- mild-mannered author by day, righter of wrongs by night. Or any other time the opportunity presents itself.

There’s been a lot on the news lately about bullying. Kids barely beyond Sesame Street age are taking their own lives because they can’t deal with the harassment heaped upon them by other kids and sometimes even adults. Or they’re going “postal,” bringing weapons to school and too often using them. Bullies have always been among us, but now they’ve gone global, thanks to the Internet and social networking.

I remember quite clearly being bullied as a kid. I learned early on not to bother complaining about it. I was either told to stop being a cry-baby, suck it up, or -- worst of all -- that it was probably my fault. I spent years trying to be inconspicuous and keep out of the way of the bullies, but somehow they always found me. Junior High was hell.

That’s when I began making up stories in my head -- revenge scenarios that slapped a heavy dose of Karma on those bullies. I hope that doesn’t mean the bullies are responsible for me becoming a writer because I don’t want to give them credit for anything. Anyway, in my head the bullies got what they deserved, and that helped me get through those awful years.

So my criminal dream job would be dishing out Karma to all the bullies of the world, whether it’s the kid who steals another kid’s lunch at school or those drug lords down in Mexico. Little bullies grow up to be big bullies. I’d make sure they all never got the chance to bully anyone ever again.

Would I kill them? Nah. What fun would there be in that? I want them to suffer. For the rest of their lives. Slow, painful torture that never stops. But I don’t want to get caught dishing out my own brand of justice. I want immunity from any lawsuits or criminal prosecution for whatever I did to the bullies because I really do look dreadful in orange. Besides that, jumpsuits are a pain in the ass when you need to go potty.

Since Lois writes humorous amateur sleuth mysteries, she can’t go into lurid detail bout just what sorts of slow, painful tortures she’d subject bullies to. You’ll have to use your imagination. Read more about Lois and her upcoming Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries series at and


Joshua Corin said...

Ah, the Avenging Angel. The Vigilante. Stalwart defender of the victimized.

But the real question, Lois, is this: would you wear a Batman costume?

Gabi said...

Smart of you to consider the fashion issues involved in your choice. Like you, orange is not my friend.

Josh, you need to watch the Incredibles. Apparently capes are a safety hazard for the true avenger.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Orange can be cheery! Like Pumpkinhead.

There is an Young Adult Authors Against Bullying campaign on Facebook, in case you'd like to start doing your dream job now.

I like to think that bullies can be brought around without a lifetime of torture. Maybe making them wear some orange might help...

Shane Gericke said...

Orange undies, that's the ticket! You're Superperson underneath, yet outside, plain ol' Clark Kent or Lois Lane. Then when the bullies strike your meek exterior ... they get to meet Your Clockwork Orange.

As for kids being bullied, kumbaya is bullshit. A fist works better--one bloody nose and the bully goes away to seek meeker game.

Lois Winston said...

Actually, Josh, I was thinking more Wonder Woman, but without the cape. As Gabi mentioned, it can be a safety issue.

Rebecca, I've got nothing against orange; orange doesn't like me. Thanks for the bullying info. I don't do Facebook, though. Absolutely hate it. Here in the NY metro area, the ABC affiliate is doing an entire 1/2 hr. show on bullying this evening in place of the 5:30 newscast.

Shane the problem with the fist to the nose is if you're an undersized 10 year old girl, and the bully is a hulking 11 year old boy, it won't work. Trust me. I tried. Got the crap beat out of me for it.

Kelli Stanley said...

Lois, you've gotten revenge on those bullies already--you're a published author! Most bullies hit their peaks in junior high school, and it's downhill from there.

I like the idea of Wonder Woman, 'cept she's too damn invincible (Amazon, and all that). My preference would be Black Canary ... she used to run around in a blond wig and fishnets (she's a late '40s/film noir type heroine) outsmarting the bad guys. Add some medieval torture instruments to the mix and that's a winner! ;)