Thursday, February 17, 2011

Shane's Back . . . And Thongs Begin to Tremble

Like Pacino said.

Hi, everyone, Shane Gericke here. Kel is wowing fans in far-off places this week, and so asked me to fill in. Good deal for me. Damn pity for you.

So, on that hopeful note, let's begin!

Today's question is, "What would your protagonist do with a night on the town?" A fine quetion. But, my poor protag never has a night on the town--when she's not sleeping, she's working. So I'm gonna answer last week's question instead: "What does your protagonist do that you won't?"

But before I begin, I want to give you a treat . . .

Puns for smart people!

I found this list on the magic lantern; i.e., the Internet, where all good time-wasting material is found. Unlike most groaners, these puns are pretty sharp. Since you're smart, I thought you'd enjoy them. But only a few. I'm saving the rest in case I sub for someone else someday and run out of material:

Here goes: 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.   She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.   A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.   No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

OK, back to the topic of the week, "What would your protagonist do that you won't?"

Well, let's start with panties.

My protag is Emily Thompson. She's a police detective in the Chicago suburb of Naperville, and she battles serial killers in my crime novels, the newest of which is TORN APART, which was fortunate enough to be named Best Thriller of 2010 by Suspense Magazine. Emily is very good at her job and has defeated three really horrific serials in my past three books. Which is why I have a series, not the one-book career I thought I'd have when I started this book-writin' thing. Go, Emily, go! Kill those bad guys! Keep me employed!

So, back to panties.

Emily wears them. Specifically, thong underwear. Sometimes black, sometimes emerald, always flossy. There's an intriguing back story based on what a real female cop once told me--read TORN APART to find out--but suffice it to say, that's something I won't do, wear thongs. Any kind of panties, actually. Not even if you begged me real good and plied me with Scotch. Not that I'm not in touch with my feminine side--I am, dammit, I embrace my inner goddess as if a wraith, or hobgoblin, or something intellectual like that. But give me Man Pantz any time. Preferably made from chain mail, or at least burlap, for that special hair-shirt feeling that keeps me feeling fresh.

Next thing I won't do: Get hurt. Emily is a cop and she's hunted by psychos. She gets shot. A lot. Also stabbed, sliced, clubbed, punched, hanged, burned, and other gardens of delight. And, she gets body parts mailed to her, albeit boiled in bleach to avoid DNA tracing. (My antags like smart puns, too.) She doesn't like it one bit. Neither would I. But she doesn't have a choice in the matter, and I do. So for me, ix-nay on the destruction-ay.

On the other hand, Em gets to kill really nasty villain-creatures who hurt children and club little old ladies and kill and kidnap with abandon. She shoots them and strangles them and, in one memorable passage, guts them with an antler. Party! I would like that very much, gutting people who terrorize others. So, that I will keep it on my bucket list.

What else? Her family is dead. I wouldn't like that--I love my parents and sisters too much. So forget it. She races around in a souped-up Dodge Charger that hits 150 on the interstate, while listening to heavy metal. That's WAY cool, so I would do that if I didn't have a 1999 Honda Civic that rattles at 80. She has a custom nine-millimeter Glock with which she can shoot out the eye of a fly at twenty paces. I like guns and shooting, so deal me in. Her houses keep burning down, thanks to the aforementioned serial killers. Dealing with insurance companies? Ick. No way. So forget fires--If I want to redecorate, I'll put up new wallpaper.

Finally, Emily has sex. Lots. In all manner of interesting ways, including  whipped cream and chocolate sauce and steam-clouded shower stalls. Mmmmmmm, would I like that?

I report, you decide :-)

Thanks for reading, and catch you next time one of the delightful CM squad needs a hand filling up a hole.


Shane Gericke is the national bestselling author of BLOWN AWAY, CUT TO THE BONE and TORN APART, which was named Best Thriller of 2010 by Suspense Magazine. A senior editor with the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper before switching to crime fiction--though some might argue it's the same thing any more--Shane is an original member of International Thriller Writer and the 2010 chairman of ThrillerFest. He was a founding writer of this very blog, but sadly, had to step back because his editor actually wanted him to submit his book manuscripts ON TIME. As if. He lives in Naperville, Illinois, where his series is based, and is home to famous crime-fighter Dick Tracy, with whom Shane bears no resemblance except square jaw and steely eye. Read all about Shane at


Meredith Cole said...

It's so great to have you back! We miss you here at CM. Thanks for filling in for Kelli, and come back and visit again soon (please!).

TracyK said...

Shane! We've missed you! Welcome back (even tho it's just for today)!

Rebecca Cantrell said...

Thanks for bringing you Man Pantz over here, Shane! We've missed 'em.

You realize, of course, that you're practically begging to be plied with Scotch and handed a thong at some giant public event full of cameras, right?

And knowing that "gut someone with an antler" is on your bucket list, I'll be very careful that scotch-induced Internet video of you can't be traced back to me.

Jeannie Holmes said...

Shane! We've missed your Man Pantz and Scotch. Thanks for sharing and feel free to come back any time. :)

Reece said...

Hey Shane -- Nice to have you back! I hope you're enjoying your Scotch and guns ... two great things that go great together. Hope we can get you back here at CM often!

Michael Wiley said...

Great to have you back -- and (to repeat the theme) we've missed you.

As for your promise not to wear a thong? Thank you.

Shane Gericke said...

Delighted to be back, y'all. I'm liking bashing all those words around for the books, but hanging with you guys is much more fun. Even though I have to wear Man Pantz :-)

Meredith, to answer your long ago query which I shamefully neglected to answer: yes, my ears were burning.

TracyK, I'll be doing this a couple more times in the next four weeks. So please find me that satin jacket with "Shane's Posse of Beeches" embroidered tastefully across the left breast.

Rebecca, I only gut for Good, not for Evil. So you're safe. Unless you turn Evil. Which is always possible, living in Paradise as you do ... or so it appears on Hawaii Five-O.

Jeannie, thanks, delighted to be invited.

Reece, likewise. Scotch and guns, the social media of the 1950s :-)

And Michael, my friend, you're welcome. Glad to do that for you. And for me!

Shane Gericke said...

Breaking news alert: We have a friend in Germany. He sent us a Christmas card last December. It arrived ... thirty seconds ago.

No wonder the post office is dying.