Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Art of Seduction

By Tracy Kiely

Seduction is an art form. There is no magic line that guarantees romantic success. Nobody ever had me at “hello,” and I find it hard to believe that any rational man would be intrigued by the offer to “come up and see me sometime.” Honestly, that line sounds like something you’d hear on Dateline followed by Keith Morrison’s sad voice observing, “Of course, no one ever would see Barry Jacobs again.”

Seduction depends on the time, the place, and the person. What worked on me in my youth would have no effect now. That said, I present you with a historical list of successful lines:

Pre-school: “Hey, would you like to share my Hostess Cupcake?”

Grade school: “Wanna couple skate? I can skate backwards.”

Middle school: Honestly, any overt interest at this horribly awkward age found me skittering away in terror. But based on the pictures that I’ve come across of me from this era, I don’t think it was an issue anyway.

High School: “Hey, a bunch of us are going to X’s house to watch Monty Python and then head down to Georgetown to catch the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Want to come?”

College: “No, you’re not boring me at all. Maybe we could grab a beer and you can tell me more about the visual metaphors in Hitchcock’s movies?”

Early 20’s: “No, you’re not boring me at all. Maybe we could go to dinner and you can tell me more about the visual metaphors in Hitchcock’s movies?”

Late 20’s: “Seriously honey, from behind you can’t tell you’re pregnant at all.”

Early 30’s: “Pack your bags. My mom is coming to watch the kids for the weekend.”

Late 30’s: “X just threw up all over the bathroom, but I cleaned it up.”

40’s: “How about we get take out, a bottle of wine, go upstairs and lock the door, and pretend we can’t hear what the kids are doing?”

So there you have it. Not exactly the phrases you'd expect to hear from seduction masters such as Cary Grant, Bogie, or George Clooney, but they did the trick for me.


Rebecca Cantrell said...

Those lines are all eerily similar to the ones that worked on ME at those ages. Either we're twins separated at birth (possible?) or those are solid seduction lines and men should be printing out your post and mailing you chocolates.

Or both.

TracyK said...

I was going to happily vote for the twins option, but then I remembered your fabulous prom, which I believe featured an island and drinking champagne out of a shoe. My prom featured a date who threw up in a parking lot. Therefore, in default, I will accept the chocolate option.

Rebecca Cantrell said...

I did get the better twin prom, I'll cop to that. But will you share the chocolate anyway?

Gabi said...

Since I didn't go to prom, I think I should get the chocolate.

Have you and Becky ever seen each other's significant other in the same room at the same time? I think there might be an alternate explanation.

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

Tracy, although I don't have kids or a husband, I still can relate to the change in seduction over time. Now, in my 50's, it's a foot rub and a nice wine that gives me butterflies.