Thursday, February 23, 2012

I’m Easy

By Michael

I admit it: I’m easy to seduce – a not unusual condition for a guy, but who am I to argue with biology?

A cheap date, I’m happy with the chicken mole at Nuevo Léon in Chicago’s Pilsen neighborhood (you can carry me out the door for less than ten bucks), though I’ll roll over and expose my belly if you treat me to a couple slices of abalone sashimi at Japonica in New York or a plate of vegetarian pork at Heaven’s Dog in San Francisco.

Put Etta James’s “I’d Rather Go Blind” on the stereo when we get home and you’ll see me doing dances I really shouldn’t do. Play it a second time, and I’ll sing along using a fake Brazilian accent.

I don’t mind being plied with alcohol, my chosen brands being Maker’s Mark bourbon and Hornitos tequila – though I’ll drink most cabernets that sell for more than seven bucks a bottle and any beer, whatever the price.

But if you really want to move my soul, try a few lines from Raymond Chandler. Vivian Sternwood in The Big Sleep would be good. Say, “My God, you big handsome brute! I ought to throw a Buick at you!” and I’ll start humming Ravel’s Bolero. Follow it up with, “I loathe masterful men,” and steam will pour from my nose and ears. Or give me some James Cain. Try Cora from The Postman Always Rings Twice: say, “Yes! Yes, Frank, yes!” – substituting “Michael” for “Frank,” please – and I won’t say no.

Eyes, ears, tongue. These are the pathways to my desire – very wide pathways: superhighways, great salt flats.

Oh, but I’m also married – happily – and that makes my condition of easy seducibility both more difficult on the one hand and simpler on the other. On the one hand, my wife has seen me dance and is embarrassed and she’s unimpressed by my Brazilian accent. On the other hand, on every birthday I give her copies of The Big Sleep and The Postman Always Rings Twice, each Valentine’s Day I give her an Etta James CD, and you know where we go to dinner.


RonnieAppleseed said...

Your wife is a saint,

Michael Wiley said...

I couldn't agree with you more. (And by the way, I find saints seductive too.)

Rebecca Cantrell said...

It made sense, until you got to the saints bit, Michael. Maybe it's a Catholic school thing?

Anyway, thanks for another funny post!

Michael Wiley said...

Okay, the saints part is a lie. Thanks, Rebecca.

Reece said...

Great post, Michael. I haven't been to Heaven's Dog here in SF, but if it's on your list, then that's good enough for me.

Michael Wiley said...

Thanks, Reece. Definitely try the vegetarian pork belly -- memorably great.

Gabi said...

You had me at the title. That's efficient.

Michael Wiley said...

Ah, that's just the foreplay, Gabi.