Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dream On

by Alan

Today’s Question: You've hit the big time! Congratulations. What's the first task you assign to your new assistant?

What? I’ve hit the BIG TIME? Oh my! Oh my! (Why didn’t anybody tell me? Strangely, it doesn’t feel a whole lot different than the SMALL TIME, where I’ve been for a while—maybe it’ll take a few days for this wonderful news to hit me).

After my newly-hired assistant and I clean up all the confetti and champagne corks and hundred-dollar bills lying around, I suppose it’ll be time to get my nose back to the grindstone. After all, once you reach the big time, you have to work doubly hard to stay there (at least that’s what I’ve heard).

Where could my assistant be most useful?

I don’t think I’ll need to rely on my assistant’s creativity; I’ve already got plenty of ideas for books. I’ve got spell checker and grammar checker, and the Chicago Manual of Style at my feet, so I’m good there. I’ve got lots of pencils, pens, spiral notebooks, toner cartridges, and erasers, erasers, erasers—no need for a run to Staples.

I’d have my assistant fetch me coffee, except, well, I don’t drink coffee.

Maybe I could ask him or her to touch up my headshot with Photoshop? Answer all my fan letters? Talk to Oprah’s people? Do some research about leasing a (small) private jet? Or buying an island? Work on getting me a seat in Castle’s poker game?messy office

All worthwhile tasks, for sure. But I think what I really need my assistant to do is CLEAN MY FRIGGING OFFICE.

It’s a BIG TIME mess.

(Trust me, this picture doesn’t quite capture the enormity of the task.)


Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

The photo surprised me, Alan. I expected your desk to be much neater. Are you sure you didn't stage that? Hmmm. If it is real, then I feel much better about my own. :) Thanks!

Meredith Cole said...

I think that your writing must be going very well, Alan--based on the state of your desk! When I'm on a roll, my desk gets buried. But when I get stuck, I do a major cleaning of my office and file all my loose papers. Seeing my desk surface=never a good sign.

Reece said...

Take comfort, Alan. Some of my partners have desks that are literally buried under mountains of paper -- I'm talking Himalayas.

Alan Orloff said...

Sue Ann - The picture doesn't do my mess justice. (Yes, my mess has a personality. A big one.)

Meredith - Unfortunately, my desk is always a mess. I'm not sure what I'd do if I ever saw the surface of my desk.

Reece - I store all my old papers in plastic bins, under my table and desk. Sort of like how they store radioactive waste. Draw your own conclusions.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Ah, yes, wouldn't a personal assistant be lovely. I'd assign mine chores like grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning...and filing, of course. Lots of filing.

Howard Sherman said...

My first task for my assistant? Intercept all of the time-wasting phone calls and emails! I want a gatekeeper the likes of which the world has never seen. An elegant, impeccably-mannered enforcer.