My Bloody Valentine

(And now for something completely different...)
 
by Paul D. Marks
 
Hmm, is there a classic love story I'd like to improve with a nice messy murder? Well, let's see. 
 
Aren't I the lucky one falling right on Valentine's Day itself. So for that special occasion, a special love story. Well, the kind of love story you might find running 24/7 on the Discovery ID channel.
 

So, as cleanup hitter for this week's question here's my Valentine's paean to love and death and some stories that could be improved with a murder or two in them:
 
In an alternate universe Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice and other stories morph into stories the Discovery ID Channel would be proud to air. In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth strikes a blow for freedom and goes on a killing spree, murdering the condescending Mr. Darcy first. She then sends a text through time and space to a woman named Lizzie B. "borrow ur axe, pls?"
 
Lizzie replies "sry, already loaned 2 A Karenina."
 
Swish Pan: Volga River, Moscow. A young girl comes upon a man's body bloating in the river. Police are summoned. They pull him out.
 
He's dressed like an aristocrat.
 
"Count Vronsky," the lieutenant says.
 
"There's an axe in his back," his partner says, counting. "Forty whacks."
 
"Who would have wanted to kill Count Vronsky?"
 
"Let's check with his wife, Anna K."
 
They go to Anna's house. She is nowhere to be seen.
 
"What's that?" the lieutenant says.
 
They stare at some glittering crystals that soon disappear as A Karenina time shifts to a place called Sporks, Washington, USA. Golden hour is dying, twilight is fast upon her.
 
"Holy Guacamole," Anna says, in Russian, of course. "This place is filled with vampires and werewolves. I must off them all."
 
She finds a vampire named Bella, er, Kristen Stewart.
 
"Who-are-you?" Kristen S says.
 
"Oy!" Anna says, in Russian, of course. "You are one lousy actress."
 
She throws Lizzie B.'s silver-plated axe at Kristen cutting her head off.
 
"Ah! I have saved the world," Anna says, in Russian, of course.
 
Magically Kristen's head returns to her body. It's a little off kilter, but not so bad. Nobody can tell.
 
"Holy Cow," Anna says, in Russian, of course. "I thought I killed you."
 
"Your axe was only made with cheap nickel-plated silver, which, as we all know, is not silver at all. Ha! You can't kill me with that."
 
"Can I kill you  with a bad review?" Anna says, in Russian, of course.
 
"No, that can't kill me either."
 
"All is lost," Anna says, in Russian, of course. "This Putin guy is insane – I cannot go home again."
 
She takes Lizzie B.'s cheaply plated silver axe and whacks off her own head.
 
And everybody died happily ever after.
 
Happy Bloody Valentine's Day Everyone!
 
(Pass me my meds, please.)
 

The End

 

(This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, real or fictional persons, real or fictional actors, rivers, cities, aristocrats, axes, Russians, actors, sporks or actual events is purely coincidental.)