Nobody Knows Nada, by Gabriel Valjan

Nobody Knows Nada

 

We all have to promote our work if we want to succeed, but there’s a lot of ground between hiding one’s light under a bushel and being that pushy author people hide from at events. What are your best promo ideas and what’s the most egregious hard-selling you’ve come across?

 

I think it’s safe to say these two things:

 

1. Nobody knows what works

 

2. Most writers are introverts, so self-promotion ‘feels’ uncomfortable.

 

Implicit in the question is, What do ‘we’ mean by SUCCESS here?

 

Monetary or personal? There is something to be said about holding your book baby. You put in the hours. You wrote, edited and revised, and stared at the ceiling when the elusive and intrusive ideas came in the middle of deep REM sleep. As for money, it either liberates or enslaves the owner. You can do things you couldn’t before BUT it can put you on the hook to maintain the reality you create with money. I wouldn’t want to be an author on a compulsory book tour and yet be expected to deliver a manuscript on time and without excuses.

 

Context is everything. Sales matter to agents. Sales matter to stores. I went to a local bookstore once, and after the rep queried database, she said to me, “Nope, you’re nobody. Not enough Sales.” Stunned, my inner Jersey boy kicked in. I said to her, “Do you think before you talk?”

 

If you’re with Big 5, Sales earn your keep in the publisher’s stable or Not. You have arrived, but you have to keep the hustle alive. Careful what you wish for. I’ve known authors who have had respectable numbers and market momentum. They moved inventory. They were invited back to stores. They received prestigious awards and nominations, only to be inexplicably dropped by their publisher. I can name three writers who had strong regional sales. Poof, the Pink Slip.

 

Hence, my comment that nobody knows anything, and do what works for you.

 

It’s possible that some bean counter crunched the numbers and didn’t like them, or some Mad Man type had the Next Big Thing in his head, and it wasn’t you, the reliable and stalwart author. Marketing study trends with a crystal ball. They latch onto fads and suck the life and joy out of it.

 

Truth be told, if I wanted to make money, I’d pimp my cat Munchkin. Seriously. She has a thousand more faces than Lon Chaney, and she could be the next Grumpy Cat. I’d fire up all the socials, and have her do her thing. I’d waltz into the bank and give the teller a calendar gratis when I make my deposit.

 

·      Writers do craft workshops.

·      They write a monthly Newsletter.

·      Writers do Instagram reels and Book-Toks with their latest book.

·      Writers do online talks at libraries. [Shameless plug: I’m doing an online event tonight at Tewksbury Library with Anjilli Babbar, JR Sanders, and Liz Milliron].

 

Everybody has an opinion on the side hustle, as if writing and a numb butt and poor posture were not enough pain. My advice is to do what is comfortable to you because if you’re uncomfortable, it will show in the long run. You will resent it.

 

We all wear masks. We all have created a persona to function in this world. I suspect writing is personal and meaningful to you. I wish I could say that THE WORK should speak for itself, but some effort is required. Publishers either have no PR budget or they are stingy with it. Like those toys that say Some Assembly Required, the writer’s career takes some effort.

 

Networking helps. Meet local writers. Plan something together. There’s safety in numbers, too. Repeat and rinse often, and you may develop confidence. Don’t underestimate conferences. A face to a name makes asking for a blurb from another writer so much easier.

 

Reputation matters. Nobody likes a Drama Llama or a Diva. To paraphrase Sidney Falco in The Sweet Smell of Success, “The [diva] is in a bag and the bag’s in a river.”

 

That all said, some observations, and I think these fall under the rubric of common decency:

 

·      Don’t hog the microphone at panels. Don’t interrupt. It’s not all about you.

·      Don’t add someone’s email to your Newsletter without their permission.

·      Like life on the street, people talk. Speak well of others or don’t say anything at all.

·      Don’t hit someone up on Messenger, or DM them, the second after they follow you on social media.

·      Always say thank you to your moderator, fellow panelist, a reviewer, etc.

 

I can’t emphasize it enough: nobody knows what will sell or what works. By all accounts, Umberto Eco’s The Name of The Rose should not have been the global blockbuster that it was. Elena Ferrante violated every piece of marketing advice by refusing interviews, having no head shot on the books, or appearing at stores for signings. The charade about his/her real identity worked.

 

Munchkin knows I substituted ‘Diva’ for ‘cat.’

She says she’s ready for her close-up.