Friday, September 27, 2019

The Joy of Tax

How do you keep your taxable receipts? Log them in each month? Each day? Throw them all in a big pile and wait for tax time? Do you have an App that organizes them for you?


As you probably know by now, my day job for over 20 years was as an accountant. Therefore, you’ll understand when I tell you that I am the world’s worst, most ridiculously bad, utterly terrible person when it comes to keeping receipts and claiming tax deductions.

It’s sad. I’m like the doctor with a twenty-a-day habit who tells his patients not to smoke; the politician who stands against racism then gets caught wearing black-face (what was that about, eh Canadians?); or the hot-dog seller who’s a secret vegetarian. Yes. When it comes to receipts and accounts, I. Am. A. Hypocrite.

This is a real qualification wot I have earned.


Don’t get me wrong, I always start out with good intentions. Every year, immediately after the mad scramble to complete the non-fiction opus that is my tax return, a process which has cost me a week of sleepless nights, hot sweats and cold shivers as I discover that, despite having earned a pittance and with no money in the bank, I still owe the tax man more than the national debt of Brazil. 

This is the man from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.
In the adverts, he tells you that 'tax doesn't have to be taxing'.
He is a liar.
(He is also the very embodiment of middle-aged-white-male-privilege).

'Next year will be different', I say, and for the length of time required for me to forget the trauma of the last Tax Returngate (approximately three weeks), I go about diligently PDFing receipts and filing invoices to Dropbox like a novice monk colouring in the big large capital letters in those hand-crafted Bibles that monks used to make before Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press.

Is it going to change? Probably not. Though this year, I’ve added another factor. I’ve downloaded and paid for an accounting app!...Which I’ve never used since downloading!...Five months ago!...Despite getting weekly e mail reminders from them!...And paying them £11.29 a month! I am such an idiot, it's almost impressive in a perverse sort of way.



Luckily though, I still have my receipts. I keep them safely in a box marked ‘receipts’ for safe keeping. And indeed, they are all still safely kept in that box. The problem is I can’t actually remember where I put the bloody box. Wherever it is, I’m sure it’s safe.

The problem is 50% laziness, 30% putting off boring tasks and [balancing percent]% relying on the fact that I’m an accountant and I can pretty much work out what is worth claiming and what isn’t. Unfortunately, this strategy, though time honoured, doesn’t really work very well. But don’t worry. 

Next year will be different.





26 comments:

Dietrich Kalteis said...

You said it, Abir, next year will be different.

Brenda Chapman said...

The best laid plans ...
You make me feel better about my procrastination, Abir!

Kirk Douglas said...
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Luke Skywalker said...
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Alec Guinness said...
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Keir Dullea said...
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Rutger Hauer (as Roy Batty) said...
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Harrison Ford (as Rik Deckard) said...
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CHUCKY (doing the voodoo scene) said...
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Burt Lancaster said...
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James Coburn said...
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Donald Trump said...
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Tom Cruise (listening to a new recording) said...
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Leonardo DiCaprio said...
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Nick Nolte (on the set of The Thin Red Line) said...
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Edgar Allen Poe (reading from The Raven) said...
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Neil Armstrong said...
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Mission Control Houston said...
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Edward G. Robinson said...
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James Cagney said...
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The Spanish Team Coach said...
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Brenda Chapman said...
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Dietrich Kalteis said...
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Gaurav Chandel said...

Let see what happens

Brenda Chapman said...

Dietrich, i haven`t visited this site for a couple of days and i was just wondering what all the deleted comments were about ?.

Dietrich Kalteis said...

Yeah, Brenda, it was some big-tit obsessed troll who was incorporating his lust for the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 into classic lines and phrases from old movies. If i`m being honest i must admit that quite a lot of what he wrote did make me fall about laughing because it was so hilarious, witty, clever, bizarre and surreal. Whoever he is he must be one of the worlds great unsung comic geniuses. Ultimate though i decided to delete him because i`m such a ludicrous, pretentious, posturing, highbrow, elitist snob.