Childhood trauma
seems to inform a lot of literary novels. Do you pull from any fears, anxiety
or trauma from your early life into your work? Seems like mining our own
uncomfortable pasts is perfect for crime fiction
This week’s
prompt makes me uneasy because I’m not inclined toward the autobiographical,
or, more to the point, self-revelation in life or my fiction. The truth is, I’m
uncomfortable discussing childhood and trauma. I understand the impulse. We
want meaning from pain, but I’m wary of turning suffering into a performance.
We live in a
culture that can turn every hardship into a badge of honor. When I was a kid,
status among adults was being in therapy and having Quaaludes within reach.
Today, influencers offer advice, progress notes, breakthroughs and setbacks as
their brand.
I live in a
country that fetishizes its military power, promotes aggression as morality and
policy, and has a long cultural romance with the idea that the person willing
to do the most damage is somehow the strongest.
The cowboy became
the robber baron in the Gilded Age, the gangster during Prohibition, who became
the corporate mafioso quoting Marcus Aurelius and The Art of War in
meetings.
As a crime
writer, I get it. Injustice is part of the landscape. It’s material. Violence
is a tool, a threat, a consequence.
Newsflash, folks:
life is trauma.
I haven’t met a
woman who hasn’t had to deal with a predatory man. We live in a world where the
media sometimes informs us, sometimes misleads us, and often lies outright.
Violence is treated as morality while sex is taboo and censored. We are
subjected to daily assaults on our cognition and emotions.
News update: real
violence is not cinematic.
It is fast and
almost always uglier. In my experience, people who know violence intimately
understand this and don’t talk about it.
I’ve seen what
violence does to people and families.
My father’s best
friend killed his wife and then himself in front of their two children. Their
son was institutionalized and never recovered.
I grew up with
weapons within reach: a .357 in one nightstand, and a .45 in a desk across the
room, a combat knife tucked beneath magazines. I can tell you what gunpowder
from a shotgun smells like on a hot, humid summer day because it hits my
brain with the same immediacy people describe where they were when Kennedy
was shot, or the song on the radio when they experienced their first kiss.
And then there is
my own experience.
I have no
criminal record, but at sixteen I came close. A cop understood context and
circumstance and cut me slack he technically shouldn’t have. We made a deal. I
kept my end of it.
That is one
reason I didn’t walk out of a state prison in my thirties.
If I seem
deliberately vague, I am.
All I’ll say is
that I very nearly committed the irrevocable. I’m not religious, but there was,
in that moment of chaos, an uneasy grace: a strange calm and a clarity that I
have never forgotten.
People use terms
like PTSD and mention flashbacks and nightmares. It doesn’t work that way for
me. If I’m awake at 3 a.m., it isn’t necessarily because I’m replaying some
horrific montage of images.
I’m rehashing
something I said or did wrong in a relationship forty years ago.
I’m quirky that
way.
What may surprise
people who have never experienced their dark side is that, under certain
circumstances, you step outside yourself.
I did.
You become Other.
That, too, is
grace. You do what you believe you must do, and you discover you are capable of
things you never imagined. The textbook example we all know is the mother who
lifts a car to free her trapped child.
The scene of
violence that has haunted me longest, however, wasn’t human.
A friend’s dog
stepped into the street and was hit by a car. I watched the dog die and my
friend become inconsolable. Somehow, that stayed with me more than the things
that should have been harder to forget.
I have a soft
spot for animals.
All that is to
say that I haven’t emerged unscathed.
I still look for
entrances and exits when I enter a room. I notice whether people are left- or
right-handed. I register what is closest to me that I could use as a weapon. I
dislike having people behind me. I become edgy in conversations when I can’t
see the other person’s face.
Most days I have
a dim view of the species. I often think we are screaming apes in clothes.
People tell me I
have a dry and dark sense of humor.
They’re probably
right, but it’s a defense mechanism and I know it.
In the years
since, I’ve learned that you can never truly know another human being, just as
they can never completely know you. I’ve had enough experience not to trust
easily, but you have to know and trust yourself.
That is what I
bring from childhood and trauma into my fiction. Not specific events, necessarily,
and certainly not autobiography. What I bring is an understanding that the line
between ordinary and terrible is thinner than we like to believe.
That matters when
I create characters.
I’m less
interested in the question, What happened to this person? than in the
more difficult question: How did it change the way they understand the
world?
Trauma doesn’t
have to produce a damaged person in the conventional sense. People survive.
They adapt. They become functional. They become successful. They can be funny,
intelligent, competent and perfectly capable of getting through an ordinary
Tuesday.
But survival can
come with a price.
It can alter what
you trust. It can alter what you notice. It can alter what you think other
people mean. It can make uncertainty intolerable. It can make a person
extraordinarily good at reading danger while being remarkably bad at
understanding safety.
That is where
trauma becomes useful to a crime writer.
My current work
in progress, HUNGRY GHOST, the sixth Company File novel, illustrates
this.
One of its
central characters is Tania, a Hungarian-Russian orphan. Stalin liquidated her
family. She was severely traumatized and abused, and as a result she is poorly
socialized. She is also highly intelligent, multilingual and manipulative when
necessary. She has killed, including once in self-defense, and in an earlier
novel she took the initiative and killed believing she was helping ‘uncle’ Sheldon,
only to discover later that she had been manipulated into it by Allen W.
Dulles.
Tania could have
joined the Company. She could have gone to the Mossad. She turns both down. She
goes solo.
That decision
makes sense to her, and that’s crucial.
A character
doesn’t have to make sense to us. The character has to make sense to herself.
Tania’s logic is
often eccentric. She can rationalize violence. She is a functional adult, but
she doesn’t trust permanence. She has survived too many incompatible truths.
The novel opens
with her arriving in Budapest, with revolution and Soviet reprisal in the air.
It is a bittersweet homecoming. She is in her early twenties and following a
lead to find a man she met briefly as a child, a man she believes betrayed her
father and ultimately led to the annihilation of her family.
Tania’s real
wound isn’t simply what happened to her.
It is the
destruction of certainty.
Her epistemology
has been damaged.
She cannot
tolerate unanswered questions.
That gives me
something much more interesting than a conventional trauma backstory. Her
history becomes a force acting on every decision she makes. Her need to
understand the past affects whom she trusts, what risks she takes, how she
interprets evidence and, ultimately, what she is willing to do to get an
answer.
If I had to
reduce Tania to one sentence, it would be this:
Tania is a
highly intelligent survivor of political terror whose greatest strength is
adaptation and whose greatest weakness is her need to believe that the past can
still be explained.
The crime
writer’s job, as I see it, is not to diagnose the character or explain her to
the reader.
It is to put
pressure on the wound and see what happens.
That is also why
I’m cautious about using my own experiences too literally. Autobiography can
tell you what happened. Fiction has to ask what happens next.
My most recent
novel, FOUR ON THE FLOOR, also touches that territory. Shane recognizes
something of himself in an assassin. I won’t say more. What lies
behind that character’s actions is part of the novel.
But the
connection between that book and HUNGRY GHOST are the questions:
What does
prolonged exposure to violence and uncertainty do to a human being?
Does survival
make you stronger, or merely better adapted to surviving?
Can you learn to
trust again?
Can you
distinguish danger from the memory of danger?
And perhaps most
difficult of all: can you accept that sometimes there are questions to which
there are no answers?
That last one is
where Tania eventually has to go.
By the end of HUNGRY
GHOST, she has to accept something her entire life has taught her to
reject: sometimes you don’t get an answer.
That, I think, is
the difference between mining your past for material and allowing your past to
inform your fiction.
I don’t have to
put my childhood on the page. What matters is what it taught me to notice.
Vigilance.
Uncertainty. The knowledge that people can surprise you, for better or worse.
The knowledge that someone can survive terrible things and still be funny,
intelligent, competent and profoundly wrong about something that matters.
Those are things
I can give to a fictional character. The character gets her own history, her
own logic and her own choices.
That is probably
as autobiographical as I’m willing to get.
And perhaps that
is enough.
As for the
inevitable darkness at 3 a.m., the best thing you can hope for is an uneasy
grace.