Childhood trauma seems to inform a lot of literary novels. Do you pull from any fears, anxiety or trauma from your early life into your work? Seems like mining our own uncomfortable pasts is perfect for crime fiction.
I often feel like I’m not doing this writing thing correctly. I’m not addressing hidden daddy issues. I’m not working out some near-death experience through my fiction. I’m just making stuff up.
Maybe my childhood was too normal. But when I tell stories from my youth to my wife, she thinks what I went through was tragic to a near-Dickensian level. I don’t agree, it was just our lives and all we knew, but as a child of divorce at a very young age who went to live with a single father in the 1970s when that was as rare as a Bigfoot sighting, I definitely lived a life more feral than most of my peers. Has that made it into my fiction? Perhaps.
We all bring our own experiences into our work whether we plan on it or not. I tend not to write a lot about mothers since I didn’t grow up with one around all the time. We didn’t even get weekends since we lived in different states. I didn’t have brothers so I write about brothers from a different perspective than someone who grew up with them.
Likewise religion. Just not a part of my lived experience so I tend to leave it out or write characters who have had my same experience so I know I can get it right. Or I ask my lapsed Catholic wife questions.
I wonder sometimes how much a trained professional could tell about any hidden trauma or unsolved issues by solely reading my books. I’m sure a lot of myself can be found in those pages and in the characters. But how much can be trusted? I’m looking to write compelling stories above all else and if that means diverting from my own experience then that’s where I’m going.
I think I can see a kind of emotional restraint in my work that speaks to the very subdued and midwestern quiet of my upbringing. We were a more stoic, unemotional family, just trying to make our way through our unique situation, so I’ve never been prone to histrionics or wild expressions of deep emotions. Most of my characters share that quality, I’d say. I can write taciturn as well as anybody.
Maybe the simple act of writing crime fiction is a red flag for hidden trauma. Most will tell you that crime writers tend to be the nicest folks in real life. Perhaps it is because we have found an outlet for these deep-seated traumas so they don’t weigh on us like they might if we kept them bottled up inside.
In times of extreme emotion or moments of deep sadness as well as elation, I do try to focus on the feeling and remember it so if I need to I can describe that feeling on the page. Much of that comes in the tiny details: What you notice in a hospital room or what I could hear in the room where I sat with my father as he lay dying. The look of his skin or the specific wheeze of his respirator, this can all be details to put a reader into a true experience on the page. Not to exploit your own misery for entertainment, but to get it right for the moments that make someone say “Yes, I understand fully.”
On some level, every book is a memoir, right? At least 10% of it. We can’t write real people on the page if we don’t bring a little of our own blood to animate them. I’m sure it is naïve of me to think I don’t pull that much from my own experiences early in life. Maybe I’d be very surprised to find how much I do.
I know a scene I wrote once in a short story and then recycled again into a novel came from a moment I remember vividly from my youth. I must have been 7 or 8 and went out fishing in the Mississippi River with my grandfather in Iowa. We brought home some catfish and I had enjoyed watching them swim around the bucket. My grandfather was a walking embodiment of stoic and undemonstrative. When we went out we could spend and hour not saying a word.
We got back to his house and in the backyard he had a small table that was little more than a butcher block painted battleship grey. On that block, hanging off to the side, was a short lead pipe on a string. With no preamble, no warning, he lifted a fish from the bucket, set it on the block and dispatched it with a swift blow of the pipe. He then beheaded it, gut it, slid the unwanted portion into a bucket to use for fertilizer, and handed me the filets to bring up to my grandmother who waited in the kitchen with oil in a pan to make a fried catfish lunch.
The sudden slaughter of the fish and the cold disconnect of my grandfather while that happened burned the moment into my memory so that I knew it had to make it into my writing at some point.
Moments like that happen perhaps daily. What sticks with us is a mystery. It’s age, a smell attached to something, a specific song that played in the background. But once they burrow in, they’re bound to come out once we open the lid on our pasts and start digging for story. But it is those details that bring realism and relatability to any book.
Keep digging through your past and always know that the next trauma, the next moment of unexpected impact might be right around the corner and someday it’s gonna make a great scene in your next book.



