Despair, they name is Author by Eric Beetner

 In your writing life, how do you cope with your self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, frustrations, and despair?

This week’s topic hits me hard. After 30+ books I long ago gave up the idea of being a best seller. I have let go of any expectations of awards or starred reviews or movie adaptations. I’m a sub-mid list writer with a (very) small but dedicated readership with no hope of making it out of the basement. I know it and I’ve learned to be okay with it.

I’m okay because the alternative is to quit. Any creative business is a minefield of struggles, doubts and missing validation for your creative endeavors. But if you started out to become and author in the 21st century thinking this was a path to fortune and fame, well, buddy that’s on you. 

Inadequacy and frustrations abound in my writing career. I’ve always been right at the doorstep, never to be let in. I’m not alone by any stretch. There are way more of us on the outside peering through the glass to the party going on inside than there are authors at the party drinking champagne. And it only gets harder. Writers often only get one shot at it these days. A recent Esquire magazine article told the sobering truth. 

When it comes down to it, I’ve achieved more than I hoped to. I’ve published a whole lot of books. Worked with some great people. Made amazing friends. Been nominated for awards (never won and those were a while ago) and earned the respect of authors I greatly admire. So I can’t be too bitter or let the negative thoughts creep in without checking myself and being grateful it went as well as it did. But I’ve also had to give up hopes of breaking out of the small press world, or being published in foreign markets or being invited to events I don’t put together myself, with a few greatly appreciated exceptions. Letting go of those desires helps tamp down the despair when none of it materializes.

Self-doubt isn’t a huge problem. I know I’ve written good books. I’ve told the stories I wanted to tell. I know I can hold up my work with many huge best sellers. But oftentimes that is its own frustration. Reading a talked-about book or an over-hyped author and thinking “This isn’t better than my stuff” can be equal parts self-assuring and soul-crushing. What is it they have that I don’t? How did this book become a break-out hit and mine languish, unread?

Publishing has so many factors far out of our control as authors. It comes down to the money and muscle to put a book in front of readers. I’ve never had that. It’s not like my books have been widely available or publicized and the reading public has roundly rejected me and said, “no, thanks.” Like most authors out there, the vast majority of readers have no idea who I am. To make them learn takes money and influence I don’t have.

The unfortunate frustrations I can never find a way to spin into a positive have been all the incredibly hard work I’ve put into my writing career and the help/promotion/opportunities I’ve tried to give to others that never amounted to much. I feel like a fake when I tell my children that “Hard work pays off.” I’m living proof that it doesn’t always because I’m hard pressed to find another author who has worked as hard at it as I have. I’ve hosted reading series for years, created a podcast, set up events, hosted events for others, helped authors set up readings at events where I wasn’t even attending. I’ve never entered into any of it thinking of a Quid Pro Quo, but I’ve been disappointed with how little has come back my way. That hits hard, until I realize in the end nobody owes me a damn thing. So quit your complaining, Eric, and get on with it.

And that’s what it comes down to for me. Getting on with it. I write my way out of the frustration. I write my way to happiness, even if the book is only for me. 

I feel certain my best books are some of the unsold manuscripts I have. Books I truly believe in, but I can’t get traction with. And when it comes to that, I get even more frustrated over other writers than I do about my own career. Why can’t Jake Hinkson get decently published in America? He wins awards all over France and his books are amazing. Same goes for Peter Farris. And the publishing industry has sucked like joy out of it for writers like John Rector and Allan Guthrie to the point we may never see another book from them. That makes me so sad. But I also know I’m one foot in that same boat and I’m fairly certain if I were to go away tomorrow, few would notice. But that’s true of most authors. Hard to be missed when nobody knew you existed.

So to deal with it, I try to find a new story to tell and I release any expectation I have of how it will be received. I write for me, which is where we all start. It will never not be frustrating and I know every best seller has a long list of frustrations of their own. Success doesn’t make the publishing industry all of a sudden glide along on a smooth river of honey. But when just one reader connects with a book and lets me know, that can give me the energy to continue for a long time. And when feeling any self-doubt, just call up another writer. You’re not alone. It never gets easier, just different shades of frustrating. But we do it because quitting isn’t an option.