A Journey to the Past from James W. Ziskin

If you could take a literary pilgrimage vacation, where would it be? What writer or work would you celebrate?

Indulge me today as my literary pilgrimage is to my own past and my very first published story. “The Priest and the Monsignor” appeared in 1984 in The Ball State University Forum. At the time, I was a graduate student living in Philadelphia and was constantly moving from one rotten apartment to another. I submitted my story but changed addresses and never received an answer from the editor of The Ball State University Forum. It wasn’t until thirty years later that I discovered “The Priest and the Monsignor” had been published.

 

I reprint it here without revision. You’ll see all its warts—passive voice, flabby sentences, loose editing—but I’m giving myself a pass since I was only a fresh-faced twenty-three-year-old when I wrote it. 

This story represents for me a lesson in perseverance. My first novel was published twenty-nine years after I “sold” my first story. (In truth there was no payment, but you know what I mean.) You can only succeed for the first time after your very last failure. Never give up.

 

And now, after thirty-nine years, I give you my once lost, cheekily profane, epistolary story, “The Priest and the Monsignor.”

 

 

THE PRIEST AND THE MONSIGNOR

JAMES ZISKIN

 

2/14/83 Anno Domini

Father Hennessey,

It has been brought to my attention by Father Quigly that there is a problem with your catechism classes. Be assured that we are not questioning your knowledge of the Scriptures, nor your teaching ability. Rather, the problem is somewhat more specific. Father Quigly's concern stems from your last three lessons, all of which dealt with the "Song of Songs." Although both Father Quigly and myself consider the Old Testament to be a very suitable text for catechism, we wonder if more attention might be paid to the New Testament. I am sure that this was an oversight on your part and that you will quickly remedy the situation.

 

With Christ our Lord,

Monsignor Comisky

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

Monsignor,

Trust that your letter of 2/14 was received and its suggestions, although unnecessary, have been well heeded. Despite Father Quigly's questionable intentions, I must point out that I was merely using the "Song of Songs" as an example of sinful love and that I had every intention of getting around to the New Testament. I would like to add that Father Quigly has been acting very hostile towards me ever since his Crusaders of Our Lady of Mercy were clobbered by my Cardinals of Saint Louis in the Church League basketball finals. As you will recall, Father Quigly claimed that our 113 to 19 victory margin was excessively high.

 

With praises on high,

Father Hennessey

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

2/19/83 Anno Domini

Father Hennessey,

Wouldn't your correspondence be easier to file if you put the date at the top?

 

As for Father Quigly's ire over the shellacking your Cardinals gave the Crusaders, perhaps he should have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, need I remind you that I am an alumnus of Our Lady of Mercy? 

 

Concerning your catechism class; although I am pleased to hear that you have moved on to the New Testament, I fail to see the relevance of describing in detail Mary Magdalene's sinful ways, prior to her knowing Jesus Christ our Lord. Suffice it to say that she was an adultress! Might you not spend more time teaching the Gospel? What about the Virgin Mary?

 

Holier than thou,

Monsignor Comisky

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

2/21/83 A very good year

 

Monsignor,

I am troubled by Father Quigly's gross misinterpretation of my catechism lessons. If he were to pay closer attention he would realize that the detailed description of Mary Magdalene's carnal sins was intended to better illustrate the miracle of her conversion by Jesus Christ our Lord. The fact that she was a woman of ill repute, who fornicated and performed unnatural acts with men for money, is proof of the power of Christ! As for the Virgin Mary, please be assured that my very next lesson will deal with the Mother of God.

 

With beads in hand,

Father Hennessey

 

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

2/24/83 Anno Domini

Father Hennessey,

I was glad to learn that your last lesson on the Virgin Mary was very well done. However, given past problems with your curriculum, I would like you to send me a copy of your syllabus.

 

With Christ on Calvary,

Monsignor Comisky

 

 

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

2/27/83 Ano Domini

 

Monsignor,

 

I truly regret that you have so little faith in my pedagogical methods, especially since it is Father Quigly's myopic evaluations that dissuade you from my side. Did you know, Monsignor, that Father Quigly has frequently been seen snacking on Eucharistic hosts behind the altar? Be that as it may, here is the syllabus you requested of me.

 

Father Francis Hennessey

Instructor

 

CATECHISM I

WEEK 1: Baptism (i.e., introduction)

WEEK 2: Creation and Fall

WEEK 3: "Song of Songs"

WEEK 4: Ash Wednesday, first week of Lent (We gave up class)

WEEK 5: "Song of Songs"

WEEK 6: Pope's birthday (no class)

WEEK 7: Mary Magdalene: "Puta Dei"

WEEK 8: Virgin Mary

WEEK 9: The Apostles: "God's Dirty Dozen"

WEEK 10: Holy Week (no class)

WEEK 11: Spring Break (no class)

WEEK 12: Church League basketball finals (no class)

WEEK 13: Field trip to Times Square

WEEK 14: Field trip to Notre Dame vs Fordham basketball game

WEEK 15: Ascension (no class)

WEEK 16: Week after Ascension (no class)

WEEK 17: Final exam

 

Blessed art thou among women,

Father Hennessey

 

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

3/2/83 Anno Domini

Father Hennessey,

 

Could you spare an extra ticket for the Notre Dame-Fordham game? Also, how about brushing up on your Latin?

 

Vale,

Monsignor Comisky

 

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

3/5/83 Ano Domini  A.D.

 

Monsignor,

I can let you have Father Quigly's ticket: fifth row, center court.

 

Genuflecting,

Father Hennessey

 

 

➕ ➕ ➕

 

 

3/7/83 Anno Domini

Father Hennessey,

 

Bless you,

Monsignor Comisky