Confessions of a Goal Addict - by Matthew Greene

Do you take stock of your life only at the beginning of the year, or do you do it periodically throughout the year? Are resolutions part of that process?

Shortly after I moved to New York City, some college friends and I established a tradition called "New Month's Eve." It was exactly what it sounded like—on the last day of every month, we took over the back room of Renaissance Diner on Ninth Avenue and chowed down on disco fries until our raucous midnight countdown. On its face, it was an opportunity for a bunch of broke young artists to bring a little low-cost celebration into their lives. But beyond that, it was a chance for us to make monthly resolutions and report back on our progress over cheap carbohydrates. 

A part of me misses those days, as I look back through the soft-focus filter of nostalgia. I was young and idealistic and borderline obsessed with self-improvement. This month, I'd proclaim, I was going to finish that project, submit to that opportunity, meet with that person. But there's a dark side to that kind of constant focus on the future. Young Matthew, with all his goals and resolutions, was incapable of appreciating his present moment. 

Fast forward a few years—I'm still struggling to strike that balance. The balance between ambition and ambivalence. The balance between stillness and struggle. The balance between enjoying what I have and striving for more. 

I know I'm not alone in this. This struggle seems especially pronounced for creative types, since we're so often expected to find motivation from within. I've felt at times that I need to be my own demanding boss, my own dissatisfied supervisor frowning at my progress or lack thereof. If I'm really serious about this path I've chosen, I often tell myself, I need to work harder. Buckle down. Chase the success I crave.

But there's more to life than "success," whatever that word means. It took some distance from those halcyon days at the Renaissance Diner to truly internalize that truth—along with a lot of therapy, a spiritual reawakening, and a lengthy coming out process...but that's another post. 

So, do I take stock of my life throughout the year? Yes. Constantly. More than I should, perhaps. But as the years go on, I've tried to expand what kinds of resolutions I consider worthwhile. What does that entail right now, a month and a half into this new year, you may ask? Here's a smattering of what I'm working on—personally, professionally, and in between:

• Use gratitude to pull myself back into my present moment when my mind starts to wander to dark places.
• Take better care of my body and stop treating it simply as a vehicle to carry my brain from one room to the next.
• Become 10% more of a morning person and reclaim those first couple hours of the day.
• Find ways to feel more autonomy over my creative work, rather than feeling like a pawn in someone else's game.
• (Stolen from my previous post): Pay more attention to and spend more time on the work that feeds my soul.

I wish I could go back to one of those New Month's Eve celebrations and tell my younger self that he was okay, that he didn't need to obsess over career milestones in order to feel worthy. I wish I could tell him and his friends how much joy lies ahead, planned and unplanned. And I wish I could go back and taste those disco fries again. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for taking stock of life. I'm all for dreaming big and working hard. But I'm grateful (there's that word again!) to have learned to look beyond the "brag-worthy" accomplishments. Life is rich and complicated...and I resolve to remember that.