Don't be like Ralphie | Good Query Letters

 What tips do you have to get your query letter noticed and pulled from the slush pile?

This week’s question reminds me of the scene in the movie A Christmas Story where Miss Shields, a 4th grade teacher, is going through a pile of horrible essays written by her students. Ralphie, the protagonist, believes his essay is so good that when Miss Shields reads it, she will pause, clutch her heart, and both her faith in humanity and the creative process will be restored.

No one told Ralphie that it just doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way for class assignments, and definitely not with query letters. But we who have been through the querying process? We’ve made the mistakes, learned the lessons, and record them here so you won’t be required to follow in Ralphie’s footsteps.

I queried what felt like a hundred agents for my first book A Killing Fire. And occasionally, I’m invited to lecture university-level creative writing classes on pitfalls, best practices and resources to use when querying agents. Most of the advice I’ve given mirror previous blog posts answers to this week’s question, so be sure to read them. I also provide students with examples of good and bad query letters that might be helpful to you. I’ve shared them here. What follows is an example of a good query letter that I use in class. It's a version of the one I used to find an agent for A Killing Fire. After that is an example of a bad query letter. Read if you dare.

Good Query Letter Example:

Dear Ms. Shields-- Send to a Person

I am seeking representation for my completed southern gothic mystery A Killing Fire (95,200 words). In researching agent possibilities, I was encouraged to learn that you specialize in fiction with strong, diverse voices.  -- Tell them what you want them to represent. This is the ‘ask’. 

A Killing Fire features a strong African American protagonist, homicide Detective RAVEN BURNS, who believes she has finally outrun her father’s sins, notorious serial killer FLOYD “FIRE” BURNS. By the time he is executed, Raven has become a cop with the sole purpose of putting men like him away. To catch a killer, Raven must come to terms with who she is. And who she is not. -- Brief synopsis of the book 

A Killing Fire is the first in a series of mysteries based on the four elements-- fire, water, earth and air. Raven encounters them all on her journey to understanding her true character. In Fire, and in each subsequent book, she will cross lines and draw boundaries that will eventually define her soul. Let them know that you have other books. This isn’t a one and done.

I have three published mysteries with Kensington, Spiral of Guilt (1999), The Savior (2003, 2004) and Fatal Justice (2005, 2006). I have had short stories and poems published in various literary journals including the African American Review, Calliope, and Occam’s Razor, and have been awarded writing fellowships at Djerassi and the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts. I took a break from writing after Fatal Justice to pursue a master’s degree in English. I began A Killing Fire after completing that degree, and am now ready to renew my writing career. -- List writing credits; if you don’t have writing credits, say one or two things that make you particularly qualified to write this book

A Killing Fire will appeal to lovers of mysteries that have strong literary and psychological undertones, as well as to those who attracted to books featuring multicultural characters. I also have a robust marketing plan to ensure that this series receives vigorous promotion after publication.  Tell them who the book will appeal to, and how you might promote it. List comparative titles as well.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Faye Snowden

Bad Query Letter Example

To Whom it May Concern:

I am seeking representation for my completed novel A Killing Fire (95,200 words). In researching agent possibilities, I decided to query you even though you don’t represent my genre. I’m sure cookbooks are fun, but I’m convinced that my southern gothic mystery is so good that you will not be able to resist. Besides, I’m running out of agents to query.

A Killing Fire features a strong African American protagonist, homicide Detective RAVEN BURNS, who believes she has finally outrun her father’s sins, notorious serial killer FLOYD “FIRE” BURNS. By the time he is executed, Raven has become a cop with the sole purpose of putting men like him away. I would say more, but I’m concerned about someone stealing my idea, and I worked too hard for that to happen.

A Killing Fire is the first in a series of mysteries based on the four elements-- fire, water, earth and air. Raven encounters them all on her journey to understanding her true character. In Fire, and in each subsequent book, she will cross lines and draw boundaries that will eventually define her soul.  

I have published before but not in a very long time. I have been concentrating on my family and career, but am now ready to get back into writing and publishing.  

A Killing Fire will appeal to lovers of mysteries that have strong literary and psychology undertones, as well as to those who are attracted to books featuring multicultural characters. That may make it difficult to sell, but once it finds its audience, I’m sure it will be a success. Please make sure that any potential publishers know that I will expect that the book be aggressively publicized. It is no secret that the genre suffers from a lack of diverse voices, and they have a responsibility to make sure everyone is heard.

Let me know when I can send additional material. I know that you are busy, but I’d appreciate your response in ten business days. That should give you plenty of time to get back to me. 

Sincerely,

The Author 

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Final piece of advice? Don’t be like “The Author”. Treat your query letter as you would a cover letter for a job, because that’s exactly what it is. Oh, by the way, poor Ms. Shields.

Elaine Ash, Editor & More, On Publishing

by Paul D. Marks

Since this will be my last post before the holidays, I want to wish everyone a terrific Holiday Season and a Happy New Year!

Today I’d like to welcome Elaine Ash, editor, writer and friend. Elaine was born and grew up in eastern Canada, but calls L.A. home these days. Under the pen name “Anonymous-9,” her crime fiction is included in numerous “Best of” lists every year. It’s won consecutive Readers’ Choice Awards from the House of Crime and Mystery, as well as Best Short Story on the Web, 2009 from Spinetingler Magazine. Anonymous-9 was invented as a blind for her hard-hitting, experimental short stories. Her work has been praised by T. Jefferson Parker, Ray Garton, Johnny Shaw, Douglas Lindsay, Josh Stallings, Robert Randisi and many others.

But Elaine also edits fiction writers, from established authors to emerging talent. As the former editor-at-large for Beat to a Pulp webzine, Elaine worked directly with writers of all genres to develop stories for publication. Some of those writers went on to fame and fortune such as recent Edgar nominee Patti Abbott (Polis), Jay Stringer (Thomas and Mercer), Chris F. Holm (Mulholland), S.W Lauden (Rare Bird), Kieran Shea (Titan), Hilary Davidson (Macmillan) Sophie Littlefield (Minotaur, Delacorte) and more.

Today, she works with private clients, helping them shape manuscripts, acquire agents and land publishing deals. She also ghostwrites and edits for industry clients.

Organizations book her for speaking and teaching engagements, such as West Coast Writers Conferences, the Greater Los Angeles Writers Society, Sisters in Crime, the Mystery Writers of America, the Coffee House Writers’ Group, and more.

Elaine has a new book out called BESTSELLER METRICS. It’s a different approach to writing novels and one definitely worth checking out. But today she’s the perfect person to respond to our question of the week. Take it away, Elaine:

Q: Business—If you were in charge, what big change would you make to the publishing business?

A: I would change the query process. Crafting a great query letter is a specialized skill. Most novelists need help writing a synopsis—they're long distance runners, not sprinters. After creating a full-length novel, the novelist might find it unfair that everything balances upon the fate of a one-page missive. But, that’s the way getting an agent currently works. Until we find a better way, mastery of the query is necessary.

There is a bright spot: The way you summarize your story in a query can translate well to in-person conversations. It focuses the mind on information pros want. Countless writers catch the attention of agents and publishers at conventions or writers’ gatherings with a quick verbal version of a query. This is commonly known as the “elevator pitch” and it’s a 30-seconds-or-less overview of your story, genre, word count and writer’s bio told in short.

Here’s the query synopsis for THE BIG CRESCENDO, a humorous private eye novel by Jonathan Brown:

—Synopsis — When Lou Crasher falls head-over-cymbals for a femme-fatale customer at The Practice Joint, a low-rent studio on the wrong side of  Hollywood, he’s soon embroiled in a musical equipment theft ring. Lou is forced to go undercover armed with only his quick wit and deadly dialogue. Clues lead to a missing colonial snare drum once owned by none other than Frederick Douglass—the African American social reformer and  abolitionist. But this precious artifact is now owned by a degenerate Beverly Hills music producer with a hardcore coke habit, forcing Lou to get funky with druggies and dealers. Good thing Lou can throw a drum stick as straight as a Bowie knife—he’ll need to watch his own back while dealing with local police, who are none too trusting of this amateur sleuth.

(Tip of the hat to Mr. Dan Kelly who added secret wordsmith sauce.)

Here’s the same synopsis translated into a more casual, conversational elevator pitch:

Lou Crasher is a journeyman rock drummer and an amateur P.I. His day job is working at a rehearsal space in Hollywood called the L.A. Practice Space. When the place gets robbed, Lou agrees to get the gear back for one of the musicians, Angela, because she happens to be a dime-piece knockout.
His thought is: get the gear—get the girl.

The trail leads him to a theft ring, which later takes him to a very rare snare drum once owned by Frederick Douglass, but currently owned by a big time coke-head Hollywood music producer. As Lou falls hard for Angela he bumps up against a dangerous drug dealer, the cops get involved, and there’s a dangerous little pissant bent on taking Lou out of the picture for good!

 See how that works better for casual conversation face-to-face?

There’s a lot of information out there on crafting a query, but not so much on pitching in a live situation. The key is to be practiced and ready. Be prepared to mention the word count, the genre, and a few writerly accomplishments without fumbling for information on the spot. You want to appear practiced and smooth.

When your query letter grabs agents, most will google your name. This instantly reveals if you have a social media presence, a blog post or two, and if you have a website. The more presence you have online, the more weight it lends the query.

Be mindful of your attitude as you compose. You’re ready to tell the world about your story, so be positive and confident. Seriously, get in the mood; watch a comedy, even have your mother tell you how wonderful you are. Whatever it takes, get a good state of mind going. Your energy and positivity will translate to the letter.

Agents and publishers really do want to hear from you. Their businesses depend upon you, the creator of fresh material. If cramming it all into one page causes stress, remember that a query is nothing more than a taste and a tease. It’s meant to pique interest, not tell the whole story or relay your entire history as a writer. A few highlights will suffice.

If the prospect of querying still fills you with dread, all is not lost. You can outsource the whole shebang to someone like me, who will synopsize your story, whip up a letter, source the right agents and handle correspondence.

For a free pdf copy of my query guidelines and samples, please go to  bestsellermetrics.com and use the contact form to make a request. A free copy will be sent to you.


Thank you for stopping by Elaine!

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And now for the usual BSP:

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