The Swag Man Cometh

Swag: what do you do about this knotty question? Have you wasted money in the past? What works best for you, and why? Do you have an annual budget?

by Paul D. Marks

I’m not a big swaggart. About the only thing I’ve done to this point swag-wise is bookmarks. I did have business cards printed, but almost never give them out, instead handing out the bookmarks. So the biz cards sit forlornly in my office gathering dust, but I do like the picture on them. And they helped keep someone employed, so I’m doing my bit for humanity.

I also had mugs made for White Heat, but just a handful. Then we changed the cover of White Heat and we made more mugs, another handful. Then we changed the cover again and… When Broken Windows came out, we tried to make combo mugs of White Heat and Broken Windows. And that’s a story in itself. We couldn’t get it right, so had to make them again. And then again. So now we have a lot of White Heat-Broken Windows mugs that are half good, but taking up precious space in our house. I just can’t seem to part with them, even though they’re flawed.

But even if the mugs came out perfectly – and we might still try again – they aren’t what I’d really call swag. They’re mostly just to give to family and friends. Not as a general give-out item at conventions and the like. They’re too expensive for that, though we might have given a couple of the earlier ones away here and there in gift baskets and for auctions and such – The Great Mug Affair of 2018.

And I’m not really sure how much good swag does, especially the bookmarks when they’re one of multitudes that people leave on tables and hand out at various events. Like grains of sand on the beach. Does any particular one stand out?

Iceland

Now, maybe if I could give out the swag they do at the Academy Awards, I’d get some attention. You know, things like trips to the Galapagos Islands, Iceland or stays at the Golden Door spa. Like Frasier and the Golden Door…and then the Platinum Door – well, you had to be there – and now you are:

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And most recently at the Oscars jewelry or cannabis-infused face cream and bath salts. Because as Distinctive Assets (who provide the stuff) founder Lash Fary says, “After a stressful Oscar week, you need to relax.” Of course, life’s a bitch when you’re a pampered millionaire actor telling all the rest of us how to live. So the toilet plunger shaped like a poop emoji should really help you de-stress after that tough, grueling Oscar week – nothing like what our soldiers deal with in Afghanistan, Iraq and other stress-free places they get to go for fun and excitement. And what particular stress that poop emoji toilet plunger helps with I’m not sure, but I’m sure it does. But if it doesn’t, the phobia expert (another swag item) is sure to help.

And that Oscar swag is so good Christopher (Michael Imperioli) on The Sopranos robbed Lauren Bacall of hers:

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So, if I could give out swag that was worth getting mugged for I guess I’d do more of it. But it seems to me that the expense of key chains, pens, magnets, etc., vs. the return on investment isn’t really worth it. But if you’d like a box of unused if a little dusty, biz cards, let me know. You could paper your walls with them.

So, while I like collecting free pens, I don’t give them out. Mostly I just do bookmarks. Bookmarks will remind people where they left off reading in Michael Connelly’s book. They’re inexpensive. Readers seem to enjoy them. And they don’t take up a lot of space in the garage. On the other hand, if I could bribe people with a Porsche in their choice of color, hmm, well if it would get them to buy a book it might be worth it.

What about you. Do you swag or not?

~.~.~

And now for the usual BSP:

White Heat -- Shamus Award-Winning mystery-thriller -- is a BOOKBUB Featured Deal on Sunday, May 19th. You can get the E-book for only $0.99.  https://tinyurl.com/y5oq3psq

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New May issue of Mystery Weekly is out. And I'm honored to have my new story The Box featured on the cover. Hope you'll check it out. -- This link is to the Kindle version, but there's also a paper version available.

https://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Weekly-Magazine-2019-Issues-ebook/dp/B07RC8XS93

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